tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65693302024-03-14T02:41:35.841-04:00The QuietIn memory of feelings felt...Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.comBlogger344125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-9680603136007466812021-03-11T20:19:00.001-05:002021-03-11T20:19:27.982-05:00One YearHow am I marking this one year anniversary of the WHO declaring the covid pandemic? It wasn't really something I've been intentional about, but rather seems to have been forcefully shoved into my face by both the media and my place of employment. <div><br></div><div>And maybe it's not such a bad thing to be deliberate about taking some time out to reflect on this past year. It's certainly obvious by my lack of continuing with blog posts that I haven't done such a great job of processing in words how pandemic life has progressed. </div><div><div><br></div><div>Today started with a poignant moment as my bus waited to turn a corner, and I watched a security guard at the St. Joseph's Urgent Care lower the flag to half mast. I don't really have the words to express what emotions I felt just then, but somehow just the watching of that unceremonious action felt like a good way to mark today. <br></div></div><div><br></div><div>It's been an up and down day otherwise. There were moments of grief brought on by both pandemic remembrances and by the losses of life that come when you least expect and cause you to blot tears while riding the bus to work and cry in your heart, "Why is it so unfair??" But there were also moments of happiness, enjoying time spent with a colleague I haven't seen in a few weeks when I worked at other sites, and celebration for receiving a permanent part-time position in my department at the hospital (which doesn't change much in terms of my job, but does guarantee me hours). </div><div><br></div><div>So I ended the day by looking back at my blog posts from a year ago. It helped inspire the words for this "one year" post. There's just too much to squeeze into one post, so many ways this journey has twisted and turned, and it all just messes with your head a bit. One of these days I might find the time to sort through it all, but thank heavens, spring seems to finally be on the way, and there's nothing quite like warm fresh air and sunshine to lighten the spirit.<br></div>Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-68411728029106101082020-07-30T09:10:00.001-04:002020-07-30T09:10:45.604-04:00The Song of SummerI have a quiet morning to just sit for once. Today I'm working 3 to 11 after a three-day stretch of 8 to 4. It was good to sleep in. I'm taking the moment to enjoy my morning coffee on the front porch and breathe in the peace of a soft summer morning, the cloudless sky, the massive gloriously green trees that line our street only slightly moving in the breeze, and the chirping of so many birds. This is my favourite time of year. <div><br></div><div>I figured it was also a good time to try and get some thoughts out into words and sentences, as it's been so long since my last post - and Covid time really does seem to have sped up in the last little while. I said to my coworker the other day, why can't July and August feel as long as March did?</div><div><br></div><div>But time continues its march, often at a quicker pace than I'd like. I want these summer days to last. Too often conversations are about school starting up (if? when?), and for now I choose to ignore those questions (although I probably should buy school supplies now while I can still find them at Walmart). Who wants to think about school when there's still 5 weeks of summer left to enjoy?</div><div><br></div><div>I'm working less often in the Covid call centre these days and more in my old job in the pathology department as surgeries ramp back up, the workload increases, and the plague of staffing shortages we were dealing with pre-covid only intensifies. It means more day shifts, more weeks of 4 or 5 days straight, more guaranteed hours, but more questions of how or if my job status will change going forward. As a casual whose job is to fill in the gaps, I feel the strain of being needed in too many places - and I remind myself I am only one person, and I can only do what I can do; let someone else figure out the rest. </div><div><br></div><div>So it comes down to taking it one day at a time. But there's a balance there too, because I find one day at a time in a pandemic sometimes leaves me feeling like we will be in a pandemic forever, so occasionally when covid fatigue (yet another new buzzword for 2020) sets in, I remind myself to look further ahead than just six months or a year. The realist in me knows this isn't going away tomorrow or next month or really until there's a vaccine. But I try to find hope in a few years down the road, where Lord willing there is a fantastically effective vaccine that allows us to be out of this pandemic lifestyle. (I won't say return to normal as I think its unrealistic to expect life to ever feel the way it did before, as is the nature of change, but maybe we can go back to some of our old ways...)</div><div><br></div><div>And on peaceful mornings like this, I soak in the comfort of the nature around me. Let the cicadas sing their song of summer. Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat...</div>Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-37206205625001903052020-05-17T16:52:00.001-04:002020-05-17T16:52:28.490-04:00AOYC 2020Today of all days...this weekend of all weekends...needs words. For years we've lost track of, the May long weekend is convention weekend. It's a weekend where a thousand youth from across Ontario come together to worship and experience God, and a small group of production techs come together to be family. <div><br></div><div>Last night, instead of putting on a headset and getting behind a camera to do my part of the worship session production, I put on a face mask and sat at my desk calling hospital wards and public health units to report positive Covid-19 results. </div><div><br></div><div>This morning, instead of gathering for breakfast and laughs in the cafeteria with our crazy crew, I sat on my bed with a cup of coffee and watched the AOYC 2020 Live on YouTube (except it wasn't live anymore, because, well, covid and working).</div><div><br></div><div>And grief flowed heavy. </div><div><br></div><div>My heart followed along with the worship coming through my screen while the pile of Kleenex grew beside me. I'd been ignoring the reality of losing this weekend, but it hit me this morning, and the tears fell hard and fast, and I just ached with the pain of missing my people and missing this convention experience that is always a highlight of my year. </div><div><br></div><div>And now I finish my day with burning eyes and a lump in my throat, sniffling away at my desk while I write this at work, trying to keep still more tears at bay. Sometimes it seems these days that once you let them out they just don't want to stop. And I guess it is okay to grieve these losses, even necessary I suppose. </div><div><br></div><div>But oh, how I wish we didn't have to. </div><div><br></div><div>And I have just got to say, I am really, REALLY looking forward to the fantastic family reunion we will get to have when this ends, and we can have convention again. </div>Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-24598071218903177342020-05-10T16:55:00.001-04:002020-05-10T16:55:18.497-04:00Working on Mother's DayIt's Mother's Day, and I'm at work. Because, well, Covid. I probably could have asked for the day off, but when my manager was making the schedule however many weeks ago, the thought didn't even really occur to me that maybe I should try to not work today. All the days sorta blend together at this point, and May 10 was just a date on the calendar. <div><br></div><div>So here I am. </div><div><br></div><div>I'm bored. </div><div><br></div><div>This is a great problem to have, really. It means people aren't testing positive, and I don't have to call public health with the bad news. Every now and then the phone rings, and I get to try and answer whatever question the person on the other end has, and more often than not, I just end up transferring them to the lab techs in the back who know a lot more than me about stuff. </div><div><br></div><div>But I get a lot of time just sitting and doing nothing. So I read some blogs. It's early enough in the evening that I'm not too tired to want to write some myself. It's not even so much that there is anything in particular I feel like I need to say, but I know that writing is for me a big part of coping with life and with change, so I'm letting out what comes, and maybe somewhere in all this will be inspiration, or encouragement, or just something to make someone smile, or maybe in the end I will just have a bit of catharsis from having created with words. </div><div><br></div><div>...</div><div><br></div><div>And now that I've said all that, I've been sitting here for the better part of 15 minutes with no clue what to write next. Random thoughts float through my head, and I can't figure out if they are worth fleshing out into concrete terms on paper or if I should just leave them as random thoughts. </div><div><br></div><div>There are some pipes making incessant banging noises here in the office that I debated ranting about. Normally I am good at tuning out annoying background noises, but for some reason these pipes are driving me bonkers. </div><div><br></div><div>I've also considered a discussion on mask-wearing because, well, they're a big thing nowadays. For all y'all who only have to wear one at the grocery store, let me explain a few things. It is not fun to wear them for any sort of long duration. Your nose feels forever squashed (even after you take it off, although WHAT a relief it is to remove the damn thing at the end of your shift), if you wear glasses they constantly get fogged up, and breathing recycled air gets really old. You know how we all got super intense about hand hygiene when all this hit? Yeah, if mask-wearing becomes more prevalent, I predict oral hygiene will be the next big deal...</div><div><br></div><div>All that aside, I am thankful that I actually have masks to wear at work, as well as everyone else I work with. I do think they are necessary, especially as we are not always able to maintain 6 feet of distance in the office. But I don't have to like it...</div><div><br></div><div>I think I'm done with the verbalizing thoughts now... Sorry for rambling and being random...</div>Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-44663083179241654072020-05-05T11:59:00.001-04:002020-05-05T11:59:39.464-04:00Up and Down, Round and AroundIt seems I am not one of those with lots of spare time on their hands during this quarantine. Good intentions to write more and sort through this roller coaster of emotions have clearly just been that - intentions without follow through. I decided to force the issue today as I'm starting to go a little crazy with all these part posts running through my head with no outlet. Forgive me if this gets long as a result...<div><br></div><div>I am so done with this horror of a theme park that is the year 2020. It feels like we'll never escape this constant whirl of spinny rides and ups and downs and whipping back and forth that is navigating this pandemic. And while to a certain extent the initial shock and anxiety of the beginning has worn off, it's only led the way to forever flipping back and forth between "this really isn't such a big deal" to "my God this is terrible; when will it end?!" </div><div><br></div><div>And we try to settle into something resembling a routine, a new normal per se if only to find some reassurance and way out of the panic, but dear lord, there are days when this new normal royally sucks. </div><div><br></div><div>Maybe it's just my introverted need for isolation peeking through today. And that sentence in itself is ironic, as so many are feeling the isolation too strongly right now. But for me, with three kids at home, my only isolation comes when I'm alone in the office when I'm working evenings at the hospital, and I dare say, that very much does not count as introvert recharge time. </div><div><br></div><div>So I'm exhausted. I tell myself I'll take it easy on my 2 days off before going back to work for another 5 days, but that's a pipe dream. There is no time off to be taken with 3 kids to homeschool, mountains of laundry, meals to cook and a house to be cleaned. </div><div><br></div><div>And here I sit, wasting precious laundry-folding time to vent off some steam about the crappiness of this new life we find ourselves unceremoniously shoved into. </div><div><br></div><div>And I wish I could say, this too shall pass, and I'm sure it will, and as this roller coaster continues, I'm sure in an hour I'll feel completely different, but for now I'm wallowing, and allowing myself to dwell on the misery for just a little. My unfortunate brain takes me down roads of knowing this won't be over any time soon, and while we might resume some of our more usual activities, we will be living in this pandemic state for many more months. </div><div><br></div><div>So I know I need to get used to this. </div><div><br></div><div>But I wish I didn't have to. And I wish it was easier. Cuz yeah, this is hard. </div><div><br></div><div>Did I mention I don't really like roller coasters?</div>Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-36401721792007678132020-04-14T10:28:00.001-04:002020-04-14T10:28:07.154-04:00CurrentlyRemember when blogs were a thing, and I used to write one? Or maybe you don't, as it's been six years since I last wrote, and I've made some new friends over the years. If that's you, feel free to sit a while, connect with my past and learn a little more about who I am (or was).<div><br></div><div>Some of my favourite people have started blogging again, and that, along with our current world order, has combined to give me an urge to write, if only just as an outlet to process all that's going on. Because these are times that need to be processed. And who would have ever thought we'd find ourselves here? Somehow life turned into one of those movies we always watch with a measure of horror and fascination, never really thinking it would happen to us. And yet...</div><div><br></div><div>Truthfully, it's been weeks that I've been thinking I need to write to sort this all out. But time has both slowed to a crawl and flown by surprisingly fast. Between adapting to a new life routine with kids doing school at home, learning a new work routine with a pandemic specific job (calling positive Covid results for the lab), and just generally coping with this odd combination of seeing nobody yet constantly connecting via social media and cell phones, somehow finding the time to actually sit down and put into words the random thoughts that float through my brain just hasn't happened. </div><div><br></div><div>But I want to get better at carving out that time if only as a way to preserve my mental health and prevent too much bottling of the emotions. As an introvert, life needs to be processed, ruminated over, and typically for me, that takes some significant alone time, which I am most certainly not getting while staying home with three kids and a husband. Time to myself is in short supply these days. </div><div><br></div><div>So I will try to find time to write, whether that's times like now, where every other sentence is interrupted by me giving the kids instructions on their schoolwork, or maybe it will be on an evening shift where there aren't too many calls to make (please!). Either way, I'm hoping it won't take another six years to post again. </div>Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-83930970714662176492014-09-07T08:33:00.001-04:002014-09-07T08:33:45.598-04:00Ramblings and PonderingsI read a few blogs this morning that I hadn't checked in a while. It made me want to post again. Maybe the key to me writing more is to read more blogs... I've had bits and pieces of blog posts in my head for ages, but getting them out is always the hard part. So...some ramblings...<br />
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I think I forgot that anti-depressants are not a magic happy pill. When I first started on them and felt so much better at first, somehow I think I was a bit lulled into a sense of this was all it was going to take to finally get through this journey of depression. Naive, oh, so naive. And of course, just proof of how there is such a learning curve to all of this. My hope is that I've just been overwhelmed after having all three kids home full time over the summer, and now that school has started up again, my introverted self might actually get a chance to breathe again.<br />
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But there's still this constant battle to balance, constantly weighing how I'm doing, and I take those three little pills every morning with my breakfast and wonder if they're really helping enough and if the side effects (which have faded to a certain extent but still show up every now and then) are worth it and consider if I may need to up my dose or do I need to switch to something else and what a long and challenging road this is.<br />
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And sometimes, (but not nearly often enough), I ponder grace. How God's grace is and needs to be sufficient for me. And how it is such a part of every day. The little gifts in daily life that He uses to show me His everlasting love, the grace to forgive my children for just being children even when it drives me crazy, and the strength to ask for their grace when I so very often fail as a mother, His grace - forgiving me always and remembering to be thankful for His grace instead of feeling guilty for always needing it again and again for the same things.<br />
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Sometimes I wish life was easier. And I know He never promised it would be easy, but that He is always with us and He has overcome. But I always wonder why I find it so hard to get through this business of making it to the end of the day. Which of course is half the lesson, to figure out how to stop asking why, accept it, find a way to rely on God's grace, and move on.<br />
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*sigh* oh ramblings. oh brain. Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-75242844347581386662014-06-16T06:13:00.001-04:002014-06-16T06:13:27.050-04:00Glimpses<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-79152354751982975812014-06-13T06:10:00.001-04:002014-06-13T06:10:19.479-04:00ReminiscingI was awake too early this morning. I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't. Then Nathan woke up at about 5, and while he very easily conked back out in my bed, I lay there tossing and turning and fidgeting. So I got up. I figured I'd have my morning coffee in peace for once. And then I realized that this is the perfect time to blog for a change. This is how it used to be, quiet mornings, me and my laptop, words flowing through my fingers through the keyboard onto the screen. Oh the feeling of nostalgia.<br />
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You'll have to forgive me for a slightly more melancholy tone this morning. Yesterday I finally came out of denial about the inevitable that's been coming for quite some time now. This weekend will be my last visit to my parents' old home in Chatham, and I will be saying goodbye to my childhood home and my adulthood safe haven.<br />
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There are so many memories in that place:<br />
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forts in the backyard trees<br />
rolling down the hill on wooden wheels<br />
tobagganning into the fence so we didn't go into the creek<br />
skating in the winter<br />
Rocky<br />
the tiny first kitchen<br />
all the renovations <br />
so many Christmases<br />
the laughter<br />
the tears<br />
the fights<br />
the games<br />
the celebrations: birthdays, graduations, weddings, births<br />
being a family <br />
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If you have ever had the opportunity to be at my parents' house, then you may know some of what I'm talking about. Both the house and the yard are beautiful, truly a place to rest when the storms come and a place to relax when life brings joy. I look forward to the new memories to be made in their new house, but the old house will certainly be missed. I only hope that I can do half as good a job as my parents did at making my home with my little family a somewhere that is so loved.<br />
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<br />Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-82457478556196254162013-12-24T19:55:00.000-05:002013-12-24T19:55:44.565-05:00Immanuel - God With UsIt's Christmas Eve, and I'm alone in the house while the rest of the family has gone to the evening church service. Nathan has a bad cold and wasn't going to make it through the 45 minutes that started past his usual bedtime, so I elected to stay behind so I could have a shower and some peace amid the bussle that is the holiday season.<br />
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I know it has been quite some time since I've posted. I figure that could say a couple of things. I'm probably very busy...maybe even too busy. Which is definitely true. Getting Reuben out the door for the bus by 8:00 every morning definitely makes morning blogging impossible, and by the time the kids are in bed at the end of the night, I'm just ready to crash on the couch. Or maybe my brain is in one of those dim places where I don't even think in blog posts any more; the inspiration to write is dulled out by busyness and life. My hiatus from blogging is probably for both those reasons.<br />
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But today? Why the post? I have a few moments of rest. True rest where I've told myself I'm not doing anything work related until after Christmas (maybe even after New Year's...) I don't have any deadlines looming over my head. The house is completely silent, and I don't have anything on TV distracting me. It's amazing how my brain can suddenly kick in when there is quiet.<br />
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Christmas is my favourite time of year. I love the time spent with family, the fun of decorating the house, the yummy goodies that get baked and shared, and I love that I have a reason to celebrate, a real reason, that this Jesus I love came down to earth, and we get to remember that in this special time of year. I was reminded a few weeks ago while driving to work how He is called Immanuel - God With Us. And it was like I had a little light go on and I felt the true meaning of how important and wonderous it is that God came down to earth in the form of a baby, this baby, Jesus, to be God With Us.<br />
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It feels me with joy to know He is with me. He reminds me that He has loved me with an everlasting love, and His love keeps me going, through the busyness and the hard days, and through the quiet and the good days. May you, dear faithful readers, remember His love and the reason we celebrate Christmas. He is with us.Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-65046926264019461052013-10-05T07:10:00.001-04:002013-10-05T07:10:15.037-04:00Not much to sayIn some strange fluke, it's 6:30 and Nathan is still sleeping. Of course, there's also a thunderstorm so Reuben had me up bright and early, and I'm not taking advantage of any extra sleeping time. If I'd known he was going to sleep so long, I'd have hopped in the shower, but one of Murphy's Laws of Parenting states that the baby will always wake up once Mommy is in the shower with shampoo in her hair. I didn't want to risk it.<br />
<br />
So I figured I'd throw a quick blog post out there. I wish I had something a bit more inspirational to say, but it's been a rough week since Nathan spiked a fever last weekend that went for three days and has developed into a nasty cough/runny nose. He's been miserable and clingy, and it's been difficult to get anything done, which presents a challenge because we're having Reuben's birthday party with his friends today, and by Friday the house was a disaster. Things are mostly back under control at this point, except for the basement, which I'm hoping to get to later this morning before the boys show up.<br />
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Sorry it's not more exciting, but anyway, it is what it is. Happy weekend, everyone!Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-18902654290251755362013-09-23T07:00:00.001-04:002013-09-23T07:00:27.811-04:00Counting Gifts: Week.....???So clearly, I have not been very disciplined in my posting about counting 1000 gifts. I confess I have been equally undisciplined in actually counting the gifts and doing the daily readings in the journal to go along with. I've let fatigue be my excuse to let myself get ho-hum about going through life.<br />
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I need to stop making excuses.<br />
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So I'm renewing my commitment to the goal to count 1000 ways God shows His grace to me, 1000 little ways and big ways throughout my day that He sends me His love, gifts that are brand-new and gifts that have been here the whole time but are new every morning. I'm praying He opens my eyes to see them and that I can keep up the momentum to do this each and every day.<br />
<br />
...and I think I had more to say, but I got interrupted by waking up children, and now it's time to get the morning before-school routine going. Here we go, counting gifts along the way...Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-22155461605757985872013-09-14T07:31:00.001-04:002013-09-14T07:31:16.456-04:00RandomnessThe sky is clear, and it looks like it should be a beautiful day today. But I know the truth - it's cold. I had to add an extra blanket to my bed last night, and no, I didn't have the window open. I am not like all the people out there who love Fall. I hate to be cold.<br />
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Motivation is hard to come by lately, as evidenced by my lack of posting. I'm still working on finding a good routine with the kids in school, and while I'm enjoying the quieter days, I've never handled change well. It's funny how as much as sometimes we long for change and get excited by it, the reality of adjustment is often harder than we want it to be.<br />
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Counting 1000 gifts is going slower than I expected. I'm really just not good at remembering to think about looking for graces God gives me throughout the day. I thought it would help to leave the journal out where I can see it, but I've become too good at ignoring where it sits by the microwave. This is something I need to work on, and I have a sneaky suspicion if I can figure out how to get this habit going better, it might help out with that whole lack of motivation thing.<br />
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Nathan keeps me on my toes. He's a climber in a way that the other kids never were. He's gone from climbing on kitchen chairs, to climbing from there to the table, to getting stuck on the chairs when he climbs on them when they're pushed under the table, to figuring out how to pull the chairs out so now he can climb up whenever he wants, and he climbs up on the office desk, and he climbs on the table in the living room that we've been using to block his access to the entertainment unit, so now he has access to the DVDs and everything else on the upper shelves of that piece of furniture -- I throw my hands up in frustration! And I am really not looking forward to when he figures out how to climb up on the couches...although he might not get into quite as much trouble up there...<br />
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Anyway, that's all of that. I'm still here, still plugging along, and one of these days I'll get more motivated to post more frequently...Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-36008281456210609782013-09-05T06:20:00.002-04:002013-09-05T06:20:38.277-04:00Changes and trustingMy little girl got on the bus yesterday for her first day of school. I thought sending the first one off was supposed to be the emotional experience, but I feel like this year's been harder than last. Don't get me wrong - I have to be completely honest and say that part of me has been really looking forward to the kids going to school. I'm getting really tired of them always complaining that they're bored.<br />
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But then it hits me how much of a change this is. How I'm going from three kids home all the time down to just one. How I'm not going to be as much of an influence in my kids' lives anymore - especially Reuben going every day to grade 1 now. How I have to learn to trust God more than ever as I let these pieces of my heart walk out that door into the wide unknown - a wide unknown that has such potential to cause great hurt.<br />
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It's hard not to worry about what might happen to them when I'm not there to make sure they'll be safe. I have to put them in His hands and rest knowing that He'll carry them through the joys and the hurts. All part of this thing called "parenting"...<br />
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(Side note: I had more thoughts, but my brains has suddenly shut off and the children are getting restless ie. Nathan wants breakfast, so that's it for now...)Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-43000654548699350732013-08-29T06:30:00.002-04:002013-08-29T06:30:28.943-04:00Five more sleeps till school startsI've been meaning to sit down and get a post out for a couple of days now -- I missed my Monday "Counting Gifts" post again, but Tim let me sleep in that day, so I have a good excuse. I'll probably just keep this short because I'm not feeling particularly inspired to say anything specific and my brain hasn't quite kicked in from the coffee.<br />
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I'm tired. I know I say it a lot. I hate that it seems to have taken over my life, this tiredness. And in this learning to say "all is grace", I have yet to determine how being so constantly fatigued is a grace. If there's a lesson here, I'm too tired to see it.<br />
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I have to get back to a better morning routine yet again. No, I haven't gone back to my Candy Crush addiction. I've actually done quite well with that. But I haven't been as consistent with my blog reading and writing and starting the day trying to focus on Him. More often than not, I end up on Facebook or some other website and fiddling around until I realize the kids are hungry for breakfast, and I've wasted my morning time.<br />
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So, time once again to fix my habits. The never-ending battle...<br />
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(And for the record, the title of this post really has nothing to do with the post. I just couldn't think of any other title that worked.)Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-3104333705138153942013-08-22T06:51:00.001-04:002013-08-22T06:51:17.192-04:00Hearing HimI think today might actually end up being one of those short snippet posts I keep saying I'm going to start writing. I feel a bit obligated to post because I haven't done as much lately, which I know is a silly reason to post, but there it is. We take our motivation where we can get it.<br />
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Have you ever heard God speaking to you? I mean, more than just a sense of His presence or a general leading in a certain direction?<br />
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Last night on my way to work, I was coming around the curve at the top of the Red Hill Parkway, and I don't know if it was the music I was listening to or the way the sun angled through my windshield, but I suddenly and very clearly heard Him say to me, "I love you. You are mine." It wasn't audible, but it sure was clear. It was one of those goose-pimply moments where I felt so close to Him, a closeness I haven't felt in some time because sometimes you're just in one of those seasons where you're walking more by faith than by sight.<br />
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It's in those seasons when the brief moments where you walk by sight are that much sweeter and more precious. So today, facing another day of caring for the kids by myself after Nathan got me up for the day at 4:30, I'm remembering His words, that moment from last night. He loves me. I am His.Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-1825120481652330892013-08-18T07:41:00.001-04:002013-08-18T07:41:44.049-04:00The day begins...Morning starts a brand new day, and I am woken by a small son and a bigger son, and we go downstairs. My coffee flows down, liquid warmth, and slowly my brain begins to function. This morning I find myself thinking random phrases, putting into unending run-on sentences a description of what goes on around me. <br />
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I slice peaches and bananas to feed these hungry few, and I think about the hungry many that I read about on the Internet. The TV plays in the background as my hands get covered in slimy mess - peaches are hard to cut when they've been peeled - and I peek out the window to see two small birds hopping around on the grass outside under the birch tree. A gift?<br />
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Interruptions are a constant part of the every day. Children are hungry, bored, tired, just need a cuddle. I pick up this small one, now finished his breakfast, and we walk to the toy room. He leans his head on my shoulder, and we look out the window to the backyard together. He loves to look outside, and the wonder on his face as he sees God's creation melts my hearts. "Paaa," he whispers, because that's his answer to everything. I leave him standing at the door as I try to come back and put the words onto paper that fill my head with a constant flowing stream.<br />
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I stir the oatmeal. I notice that the clock on the stove reads exactly 7:00 as I wonder how it's possible to feel so extremely lonely while at the same time just wanting to run away from it all and become a hermit.<br />
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Life is hard, and the encouragement from those around and those online helps, but there is still this day to day living and the plodding on one day, one step, one moment at a time.<br />
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I watch this little one as he plays with a ball, pick it up, put it down, watch it roll away and chase after it. His smile and curiosity brings such joy...<br />
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I reach for the forgotten oatmeal, not quite yet burned, but definitely done, and I find myself noticing how this allowing myself to think in sentences helps to find the grace in the small things. It slows my brain to think with words instead of feelings and reactions, and it becomes easier to live in the moment because life suddenly isn't an emergency, but this <i>naming</i> of it all...yes...that is what this is, and Ann speaks of it in the "One Thousand Gifts Devotional", page 57, how naming gives identity and meaning and solves mysteries.<br />
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I wish I could say this is easy to keep doing. But the truth is that to keep my braining running on like this is also tiring, and I have limited stores of energy in my sleep deprived state. So for this morning, I enjoy these brief moments of higher functioning. Too soon, the children spill from the living room to the kitchen, words running cacophony, jumbled, drowning out whatever thoughts still percolate, and I'm back to reacting, providing for needs, one moment at a time. Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-37370389687595974502013-08-17T06:41:00.001-04:002013-08-17T06:41:56.134-04:00Seeing gifts while campingI know I missed my Monday update for counting gifts this week. You'll have to forgive me. We went camping from last week Friday through till Wednesday, and I deliberately left my laptop at home so I couldn't even blog if I wanted to. Our trip was as relaxing as camping with a one-year-old can be, but I was pretty ready to come home when we did. The waves on Lake Huron were ridiculous this year - only one day where it was actually calm, and the ensuing noise from the surf started to drive me batty and made sleeping difficult.<br />
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It was interesting, though, how much easier it was to find gifts from God while surrounded by His creation. Along with this, life slows down significantly while you're camping, and it was that much easier to breathe deeply and take the time to really see what was going on around me, not to mention I love all the smells that go along with camping, so half the time I was breathing deeply just to enjoy the fantastic scents filling the air.<br />
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Another lesson occurred to me that needs to come out of this journey of 1000 gifts - connecting those gifts with their source, and seeing God's love for me through the graces He gives, and being thankful to Him, not just being thankful to be thankful, but actually being thankful <i>to</i> the One who gives the gifts.<br />
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There is so much to learn! Sometimes I feel like it will take a lifetime to learn everything I need to. And maybe another lesson there is that I don't need to learn it all at once, to go slow and pick one lesson at a time.<br />
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So for now, I continue to focus on seeing the graces around me as gifts. Maybe once I get that down, I can work harder on being truly thankful to the One who gives them to me and recognizing His love through them.<br />
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Some highlights from this week's list:<br />
- shooting stars<br />
- sand under my feet<br />
- a seagull<br />
- a ladybug<br />
- the many smells of camping<br />
- splashing running into the lake<br />
- a little boy, breathing<br />
- fresh cucumbersMarleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-18799958209173018092013-08-07T07:31:00.000-04:002013-08-07T07:31:06.523-04:00After a particularly rough nightAfter a particularly rough night with Nathan (up at 1:30am...for some reason I thought it was 4:30 and I got prematurely excited until I came back to bed and saw the clock for real...and then he proceeded to be awake till after 3), my morning devotional speaks of trust. Trusting God as being the source of joy and something we must do to combat anxiety. Ann quotes Romans 8:32, "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all -- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"<br />
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And she points out how God has already given us the greatest gift, his Son Jesus, and if He gives us this amazing and wondrous gift, how can there be anything He would withhold from us? "How will He not also graciously give us all things He deems best and right?" (<i>One Thousand Gifts Devotional, </i>p.34) He is worthy of our trust because He has already given us the greatest of all gifts.<br />
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I'm struggling with this today. If He truly gives us all the things we need, why on earth am I not getting enough sleep??<br />
<br />
........<br />
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I allowed myself a long tangent of mindless ramblings that ended up spiraling out of control into some pretty deep cynicism. So I stepped away from the laptop for a moment and walked out onto the back deck with Nathan. The fresh air reminds me to breathe deep and clear my head, and I come back and delete what I wrote because I didn't like it, and most of it didn't make much sense anyways.<br />
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The long and short of it is that today is a hard day. And I know I still need to choose joy and choose to see the gifts, but it is so hard when I'm just trying to function through this fog of sleep deprivation, and the struggle to trust God's goodness and His grace is following close behind. One step at a time, just doing the next thing... Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-45985515610236046952013-08-06T07:30:00.000-04:002013-08-06T07:30:26.713-04:00Choosing to see the giftsI found myself contemplating my search for graces a bit more yesterday. An interesting thought occurred to me that I think is a bit of a breakthrough in the whole thing. You remember how I talked yesterday about how I'm not good at recognizing God's gifts around me? Yeah, well, I've realized a bit just how terrible I am at recognizing those gifts. <br />
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That phrase, "all is grace", if all is truly grace, then every single little tiny thing about this life is a gift from God. Every.Single.Thing. It shouldn't be so hard for me to find God's gifts because they literally are all around me, surrounding me constantly.<br />
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The issue isn't that I have to wait for God's gifts to come for me to see them, as if He only gives them out one at a time like when you receive presents at Christmas or on your birthday. His gifts are continuous, they're already here, they're everywhere, and we don't have to wait for them.<br />
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So the problem is with me. If I'm not recognizing God's gifts, I need to change my perspective. If I'm not seeing grace, it's not because grace isn't there. Grace is always there because all is grace, and I need to choose to see it.<br />
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That's the key. Seeing the gifts is a <i>choice</i>. I can choose to recognize something as a gift, or I can choose to see it as an inconvenience, or an annoyance, or I can just ignore it completely.<br />
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It's my heart that needs to change, and I need to choose to be thankful. And in choosing thanks, I also choose joy.<br />
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Don't get me wrong. This is no simple thing. I get that. Just because something is a choice doesn't mean it is an easy choice. Maybe it should be. Sometimes I wish it would be. But life brings challenges. The day to day wears us down, and we are tired, and we struggle with depression, and I have been there, and I am there, and choosing joy and choosing to be thankful is <i>hard</i>.<br />
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But maybe my realizing that seeing the gifts is a choice will make it easier for me to see them. Because the gifts are here, the grace is here. I must choose to see it that way.Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-21442651154721522702013-08-05T06:47:00.002-04:002013-08-05T06:47:50.007-04:00Counting Gifts Week 1It's been one week of counting graces. I didn't quite get three a day, but each day did at least have one. As I said to Dad in an email earlier this week, I've discovered two challenges. One, I'm not very good at recognizing the gifts of God in the little day to day things around me yet. Granted, we've just started on this journey of 1,000 gifts; clearly, I have a long way to go, and isn't the point of it to get better at it as we go? <br />
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The second challenge is that I'm not good at remembering to even keep my eyes open to look for graces to begin with. I've gotten so used to just plodding through the day, getting from one task to the next, struggling just to find the energy to keep going, that I often forget to engage in the world around me and notice the good things with which God has gifted me. Can I blame sleep deprivation for a bit of that? Nathan's had some up and down nights lately. It is a continuing struggle not to get angry at God about it - childish and silly of me probably, but when it's 4am, and you just want the baby to go back to sleep without needing me to stand there till morning, and my brain stops thinking rationally and my soul just cries out to God, "How long? Will you forget me forever?"<br />
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I digress.<br />
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So, obviously, I need to practice this practice of being thankful for big and small gifts, of praising God throughout the day, and maybe even in those dark hours of the night. And really, calling it a "practice" is so right - something we need to do over and over to work at getting better at it. It's my goal to get better at it enough that I will start to see the gifts around me as they happen and be thankful to God for His grace in the moment, instead of needing to look back at the end of the day to count His blessings. Which is not a bad way to do it and is kind of how things are at this point, and certainly, I probably won't end up writing them down until I finally get a chance to sit down and have some peace. But I want to be better at being thankful here and now, when life gets messy and loud, and to learn things like being thankful for two, healthy rambunctious boys instead of being aggravated at the noise and interruptions.<br />
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Here's a sampling of some of the gifts I found this week. <br />
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- Nathan sleeping till 4:40am<br />
- a hawk soaring in the sky<br />
- enjoying a walk together as a family<br />
- a foot rub<br />
- rain on the roof<br />
- a morning dove calling outside my window<br />
- Reuben's spontaneous laugh<br />
- brushing Kaylee's hair<br />
- catching up with a friend<br />
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How about you? If you've decided to join us in the counting of 1,000 gifts, let us know how your week went by commenting below.Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-29231742971287969662013-08-01T07:06:00.001-04:002013-08-01T07:06:23.347-04:00Venting about the floor ventAfter almost three years of living in our house, I have determined that the people who lived here before us were, for lack of a better word, idiots. <br />
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Okay, that's not kind and maybe a bit harsh. They probably weren't actually idiots. But they sure were challenged when it came to "do it yourself" fix-it projects around the house. They might not have been idiots, but they should definitely have learned somewhere along the line that maybe it would have been a better idea for them to call someone to help them with various renovations that they tried to do before they put this house up for sale.<br />
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Case in point: you see that hole in the middle of the floor? That's a furnace vent. In the middle of the floor. First of all, I'm pretty sure that at some point, they decided to widen the doorway between the kitchen and dining room to give a more open concept feel. Which I'm not really opposed to, and in general, it does work for our house, and I'm glad of the extra space. However, it means we have a furnace vent in the middle of the space between the dining room and kitchen.<br />
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The second problem: see how the vent and the vent cover thingy are lying on the floor next to the hole? Yeah, well, somewhere in the process of either making the hole or redoing the floor around the hole, the hole became too small/too big/completely the wrong size to properly fit a vent cover on it. That black piece is supposed to screw into a little lip that should be around the hole. Except there is no lip. So the black thingy just sits loose in the hole, and the vent sits loose on the black thingy, and Nathan likes to pull it off and play with it.<br />
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And then yesterday, Reuben walked through the kitchen, stepped on the black thingy, and wound up with his leg down the hole. Twice.<br />
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*sigh* and *grumble*<br />
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I'm not entirely sure how this thing should be fixed. Maybe we should be the ones calling someone to come fix it for us. Figures...Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-77614419329504096012013-07-31T06:59:00.001-04:002013-07-31T07:02:58.176-04:00All is grace...<a href="http://leanmo.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">Dad</a> and I are taking the Joy Dare. It's a "dare to live fully right where you are". We're using the "One Thousand Gifts Journal" by Ann Voskamp to help us out, and by counting three gifts from God each day, we're going to find one thousand of them in a year.<br />
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It's my new plan to try and open my eyes to the graces of God that surround me each and every day, even in the mundane.<br />
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We started Monday, and I can tell I haven't made this a practice yet. There's a few difficulties that I've noticed right off the bat. First, I'm not good at even remembering to keep looking for the ways God shows me He loves me through the day. Second, when I do remember to keep my eyes open, I'm not very good at recognizing His gifts yet.<br />
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On her <a href="http://www.aholyexperience.com/" target="_blank">blog</a>, Ann frequently says, "All is grace." This is clearly something I need to work on seeing.<br />
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So that's what's up. The plan is to blog about the gifts I find at least once a week. I'm thinking Mondays will be my day to shoot for because Ann does a link-up on her blog that day for everyone that's doing the count. I know, today is Wednesday. We were still in Chatham on Monday morning, and Tim let me sleep in yesterday after the kids had a miserable night. I'm happy to report it was a bit of a fluke, and Nathan's sleeping habits have actually improved somewhat. He's slept past 4am three times now!! A gift to count for sure... <br />
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Oh, and if any of you have ever thought about making your own list of 1000 gifts and just haven't found the motivation to do it, won't you consider joining us? Feel free to let me know in the comments if you do... :) Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-63089639808950965422013-07-26T06:23:00.002-04:002013-07-26T06:23:45.131-04:00Nothing earth-shatteringI know I've kind of disappeared a bit this week. Don't worry. I haven't gone back to my Candy Crush addiction. The older two kids have been at my parents' since Monday, and Tim fantastically allowed me to sleep in for a couple of days. It's amazing how much of a different two and a half hours of sleep makes.<br />
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I have now joined the kids here for a few days, so I don't know that my posting will be any more frequent while we're here.<br />
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I don't really have anything more profound to say than that. The downfall to taking a few days break is I've also let my brain shut down a bit, so I haven't been pondering any blog posts throughout the day. I've got a bit of blog reading to catch up on, and maybe that will lend itself to some inspiration for another day.<br />
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That's it for today, folks. I really need to figure out how to use Mum & Dad's Keurig in the mornings...Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6569330.post-59435447856897900572013-07-22T07:18:00.001-04:002013-07-22T08:46:44.379-04:00The pause between stormsThe storms on Friday night were pretty spectacular. I can't remember the last time we had a good storm like that come through while I was awake to see it. We stood on the front porch watching the lightning for quite a while. I remember thinking, "Isn't God awesome?" And for a few moments, I pondered how the storm showed God's strength and might in a way we don't see very often, and I found myself filled with such a sense of peace.<br />
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How odd it was, standing there with the lightning flashing and the thunder booming all around, feeling a peace I don't often feel these days.<br />
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It's made me think a bit how storms in life do not always cause us to do the same thing - realize God's strength. Through nature's storm, I saw God's power, and I realized how small I am, but knowing that He was (and is) in control, I felt peace.<br />
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Why can't I do the same thing with the storms in life, with the storms within myself?<br />
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Perhaps this is the lesson to be learned, that when I have storms in life, I need to remember God's strength, that He is in control, and in so remembering, I will feel that elusive peace. And maybe that is part of the purpose of storms, to remind us that God is in control, to remind us how small we are and how much we need Him.<br />
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I am more than ever thankful for moments like these:<br />
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...extra reminders in the pause between storms that God promises to be faithful.Marleahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11893886153122372486noreply@blogger.com0