In Memorium

It is with a sad heart that inform you of the tragic death of my van...(and my sister's van). She lived a good life. A long life. Saw the East Coast three times and numerous places in between. Cause of death: transmission failure. We will always remember her fondly.

In Memory of
Our Plymouth Voyager
1993-2004

(...on the bright side, we've already found another vehicle to take her place...)

Of bumps, tears, and second chances...

It is hard to put exactly into words all the many things that I have been experiencing over the past number of weeks. My papers are done, exams rapidly approaching, and the Christmas season is upon us. To say that I feel slightly overwhelmed at how quickly the last semester has gone by would be an understatement, but at the same time I am glad to see it coming to an end.

Of course, the end of semester would not be complete without our annual Christmas concert, in this year's case, not one, but two concerts of Handel's Messiah. I would be remiss if I did not explain something of what this year's concert experience was like. To be honest I found it difficult to feel ready for the concert on Friday night. The evening seemed to come upon us rather before we were ready for it. Since singing the Messiah in high school I've loved the music and was so excited to be singing it again, but for some reason I wasn't in the mood for it yet, and didn't feel like it was coming together. The night of the concert: it went really well....until the end. I still don't even quite know what happened, but one minute we were singing together, and the next we were all over the place. Some say it was the sopranos, others say it wasn't...I don't really know where it started. All I know is that I had this sinking feeling way down in the pit of my stomach, that we'd done so well, and now we were blowing it...on a piece that we'd gone over so many times.

After the performance was finished I couldn't get my legs to stop shaking, and it was all I could do not to burst into tears...which I eventually did anyway, unfortunately not before I left the school. Tears led to a bloody nose, which led to a mad dash for the bathroom and a nasty bump on my head after running into the wall when I took the corner too fast. It was not a happy night.

Saturday was blah. I don't know how to describe it better than that. I knew we had a second chance that evening, but I almost didn't feel like doing it for fear we'd screw up again. It was hard to feel focused. It wasn't until I was sitting there just after the performance had started and I was listening to the orchestra play the opening peace that I began to pray, and I realized that God was in that church with us. What we were doing was truly for His glory. He would give us the strength to do it, to stay focused, and to enjoy ourselves. I never have had a more amazing experience singing with the choir than I did last night. I hope and pray that I never forget it. And who knows? Maybe someday I'll get the chance to sing it again...

Brilliance in surprising places

"College is breaking my spirit. Everyday, telling me things I don't know... It makes me feel stupid!" --a random character on Gilmore Girls

Who would have thought that such a brilliant comment could come from a show like Gilmore Girls?

Writer's block

There is nothing quite so frustrating for a student than to face a writer's block right in the middle of paper season. Especially when you're so close to being finished this one major paper......but you just can't quite figure out how to write a critique on Dooyeweerd's "The Great Synthesis". Craig Bartholomew is a wonderful man, but I have a hard enough time trying to understand this stuff let alone analysing it and forming my own opinions it.

I look forward to Christmas...sure to be a hectic holiday this year with twice the family gatherings as normal...this is what happens when you have a significant other in your life...but at the same time it will be good to spend some quality time with my family again without having to think about school or work. Little sister will be coming home from Dordt, the first time to see her since she left at the end of August...you don't really realize how much you miss them until you never see them. I keep meaning to call...

*giving my head a shake*

...getting too introspective here...sheesh...sometimes I wonder if there's such thing as normal life...

ugh papers. 'nuf said.

I know that I always say this, but I really am very sick of school.

So I ended up getting permission to go on the Montreal Mission Trip, and I'm glad I went. It was a lot of fun meeting new Redeemer people, hanging out with a bunch of first years for eight hours there and eight hours back in an eleven seater van, playing pool etc. with the Seafarers and learning how to speak Russian. Well, learning how to say "yes" and "no" in Russian...(that would be "da" and "niet"). Good times. The one drawback to the whole trip was having to sleep for three nights on the floor of a church nursery. I think we should have brought a chiropractor with us. On the bright side, I've developed a new-found appreciation for my mattress.

I'm getting tired of writing papers and I've only just started working on them. I finished an 11-pager this afternoon and handed it in, but seeing as how the whole thing was based on personal reflection and not on library research I have a hard time justifying it as an actual paper. The next two will likely be not so pleasant to write. (I think of that paper discussing Dooyeweerd for my philosophy class...my brain hurts just thinking about how much time I'm going to have to spend pondering...) Yet again on the bright side, there's only just over a month until this semester is done and I'm finally on my last semester here at Redeemer.

Some time for another quick update: school is busy. What else is new? I'm managing to pull by in my philosophy class enough to do a presentation with Jenn Van Breda on Kierkegaard that didn't turn out too badly, except for the part where I nearly passed out in front of the class during the discussion section. It gets a little concerning when all of a sudden you can't see anything and you're trying to get to your chair to sit down...not cool. Thankfully we also have a catchup/learn-about-intro-philosophy-all-in-one-class session during activity period today.

Wedding plans are coming along. For a full update on that see Our wedding site. There's also a link in my links section...and yes, it's been updated.

I'm currently in the process of negotiations with Dr. T about letting me miss practice next Tuesday to go on the Seafarer's mission trip to Montreal. He said he'd think about it and get back to me, but so far he hasn't and I can't help wondering if he forgot...again... While I understand that choir practices are important and every voice counts, this is my last chance for a mission trip while at Redeemer and I'd really like to go...please pray that a)he says yes and b)he gets back to me soon.

A pause at last

okay, I know...I haven't been very good at updating this thing. My apologies, but really...I doubt my life is that interesting to anyone anyway.

School is, as usual, a blissful myriad of enjoyment and extreme frustration. There are times when I almost find myself getting excited by what I'm learning...and then comes the time to study for a midterm and I honestly couldn't care less, especially when it's for an Intro to Bio first year course I should have taken ages ago but put off until my final year. I've yet to have the experience of actually looking forward to going to class. (Is this even possible?!) I can't help but wonder. I must admit that certain courses this semester have surprised me with their level of engagement. In one of my business courses (a rather heavy Operations Management) I actually spoke up over five times in one class period, (this never happens to me, especially in business where I seem to do well, but still feel a rather like an interloper), and in my social work class I participate quite regularly, this probably because there are only four people in the class and if we didn't all speak up it would be rather dull.

And of course, my explication would not be complete without a brief comment on my upper level Philosophy core, Christian Philosophy with Craig Bartholomew. I hope I spelt that right. I must admit to have begun the course feeling very much overwhelmed, much like my fellow classmate, Jenn Van Breda (see Sept.22 entry). Having also taken intro to philosophy with Strauss, admitedly a good course, I find I feel rather that I know nothing about philosophy, quite frustrating in a class full of people who do. I must admit to feeling rather sorry for those poor students who must put up with endless explanations of the early philosophers when they would rather get on to more interesting material. My sincerest apologies for being stupid. I must say though, as time goes on I find the class more and more interesting...albeit over my head, but I appreciate the way we spend the class in discussion and not in drawn-out lectures.

Well, I really must end this now as I have one of those boring midterms to study for. I don't know if anyone reads this site anymore, but I have had some fun updating it anyway.

School again

well, the school year has officially started once more. Truth be told I hate to be back, as fun as it is to see everyone. Due respect to all, but I am getting royally sick of hearing congratulations everywhere I turn. Yes people, I'm engaged. Get over it and move on. The worst part is knowing without a doubt that my name will come up in numerous gossip sessions on who's all gone and gotten engaged over the summer. There are times when the Redeemer grapevine gets rather annoying. And then of course there's classes. I've been blessed/cursed with a wide variety of courses ranging from easy core Bio 121 classes to stupidly impossible yet also core requirement philosophy classes, and then stuff for my major and minors mixed in between. Can you sense the excitement in the room? I only pray this year goes quickly...

Quick update on Tim: he's recovering rapidly and slowly easing back into work...and by slowly I really don't mean slowly...this is Tim we're talking about here.

Update

For those of you who may or may not already know, my fiance Tim had to go in yesterday for emergency surgery to have his appendix removed. He's doing okay, in a bit of pain, but he should have a full recovery. Gave me a bit of a scare though when he called me at work. Your prayers would be greatly appreciated...

The result of hours spent working in the sun

As most of you are well aware, my summer job provides me with ample opportunity to think, a dangerous past-time, I know. Yet in a way it is a good thing as it also gives me time to process all the many changes that have happened in my life over the past couple of months: I've moved out on my own (going to Redeemer and living on campus simply doesn't count for this), I've not only started a new relationship but have taken it to the next level and gotten engaged, on top of ending a school year and starting a new job.  (Can we say "overload"?!)  But God is continually faithful to bring me through, and even though I still have a long way to go, at least I'm able to have somewhat of an enjoyable summer. 
 
Work is same old same old.  As previously stated, we have a lot of time to think...which leads to numerous discussions on bizarre topics ranging from analyzing the male psyche to determining the true definition of "log", (which, by the way, we couldn't quite completely define, but decided without a doubt that a log cannot be alive and standing, because then it would be a tree) to theological topics such as women in office, and even to politics!  I urge you brothers and sisters, find employment that occupies your mind or you may just end up like we who work at Connon Nurseries...
 
Anyway, preliminary wedding plans are under way...and I do mean preliminary.  So far we've decided to have a backyard wedding with the reception at a hall (which hall yet to be determined), and I've begun looking for a dress, but nothing serious yet.  There is no rush though, and I'm quite content not to let this whole thing take over my life just yet. :)

For the complete story of Tim and my engagement please go here: Beginning Together

I'm Engaged!

Yes, you read that title right, as of last week Wednesday night I am officially engaged to Tim Wiersma. I know this might seem quick after only dating for two and a half months, but we figured, we know now, why wait? ...we're actually quite pleased with this decision especially after realizing just how much work there is involved in planning a wedding... We're both very excited to be taking this next step in our relationship, and while there are nerves as well and to be expected, we do not doubt that God has been leading us from the start, is doing so in this decision, and will continue to do so as we go on to share our lives together.

(...for those of you who are no doubt wanting the whole story, I'm working on that...)

Clinging to His grace

So it was my birthday this week, the big 2-1. Can't say that I really feel all that different, but it was fun to reminisce throughout the day over the past year and think about how much I've changed. All in all it was a good day, beginning with a surprise breakfast and ending with a trip to see Mamma Mia in Toronto...my boyfriend spoils me. :) Granted, it was a little odd having my first birthday away from home, but since we took care of all the usual birthday traditions over the weekend it wasn't too bad.

The past couple of weeks have had me contemplating forgiveness and God's grace. Particularly in the last few months I have become increasingly aware of the sins in my life, and I must admit I find it frustrating to no end that even though I realize it every time I fall, it doesn't seem to be enough to keep me from falling again and again. Last night I was reading in Romans and I found a number of passages that I've been clinging to:

"But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." 3:21-24

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand." 5:1-2a

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners Christ died for us." 5:6-8

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." 8:1-2

I have no choice but to hold fast in the knowledge that God has saved me purely through my faith in Christ, for clearly I can not be saved on my own merit. Add it to my list of sins that I so often forget this and think that I'm "basically a good person". I am not, rather it is only the precious blood of Jesus shed for me on the cross that can wash me clean and save me from the wrath of God. He alone can set me free. Would that I not forget this so easily...

The Return...

So I'm finally posting again after being disconnected from the Internet for so very long a time. It has felt like an eternity since I've been able to sit down at my computer and have the time to type something up about what's the deal these days.

The deal these days is work. And that's about it... I pretty much have no life as I am quite exhausted by the time I get home every day, so all I can do is take a shower, eat some food, and veg out for the few hours I have before I need to go to bed in order to rest for the next day of work. I'm coming to the conclusion that if I want to have a life, I must use my weekends for sleeping, and get used to going to work on six hours of sleep or less. Curse that 5:45am wake-up call.

Work itself is unbelievably boring. I have the very great honour of performing mindless labour all day long, including such meaningful tasks as moving one-gallon pots from point A to point B, fertilizing said pots with a little scoop on the end of a long stick, and of course we must not forget that oh-so-high calling of weeding. This does however, leave me with countless hours to be spent silently pondering the mysteries of life. No joke. I really do ponder the mysteries of life, such as, why am I here? What does all this mean? How can I glorify God by pulling out these weeds? Is getting up at 5:45 every morning to do this really worth the money I'm being paid for it? I've yet to come up with an answer to any of these questions, but you can clearly see I have entirely too much time to be thinking about...stuff...

On that happy note, I think I will end this message here. Perhaps now that my computer is up and running I will be able to make more of an effort to blog something more often, probably something along the lines of whatever happens to be occupying my thoughts at work...

Odds and ends

well we're back from choir tour. I'm having a hard time finding the words to describe the experience...you'd have to have been there to know it. Tour this year was quite different from all other tours; not only because in the back of my mind there was always the thought that this could be my last tour ever, but also because of how exhausting it was with all of the travelling, and the new experience of missing someone special back home. Overall it was awesome, and I pray with all my heart that Redeemer's registrar gets on board with rearranging schedules to let me come back next year. Not to downplay all of those students who are leaving because they're graduating...you will be sadly missed, but to me it feels like a much worse kick in the pants to know that I can't come back because of a course conflict.

Summer work is...well...summer work. Boring and so far hard on me physically. I never realized just how out of shape I was until now. Of course, being home for the last two days with some kind of flu feels like slacking off miserably, but to be honest I'd rather be working than feeling like this. Here's hoping I feel better tomorrow so I can get back to making some money again.

The new house is working out well. Still have some unpacking left to do, but until I pick up the dresser from home this weekend I can't really do a whole lot. I honestly couldn't be happier with the place (even though the toilet has issues and we haven't got any laundry facilities yet), it's starting to really feel like home now.

A much needed break

How good does it feel to have three out of two exams done, to be able to sit down for a few minutes here at my computer and just relax with nothing major hanging over my head! The worst is over. It feels like it's been an absolute eternity since I've been able to truly relax, have some time to myself and not worry about anything. I think I just might have to take a bath...

It never ceases to amaze me how good I've become at taking each day as it comes, not sitting around dwelling on the past or agonizing over the future. Granted, I haven't had a whole lot of time to do those things, yet I've noticed how easy it is to trust God to get you through this day, rather than worrying about the days to come. There's something to be said for living in the moment, dealing with life as it comes to you and leaving the rest for God to handle. We're not the one's in control anyway; and as much as we'd like to be, I'd have to say I think we're far better off letting Him handle everything.

I have good news: I got an email from the registrar's office yesterday, and there is actually a possibility I might be able to swing being in choir next year. (For those who don't know I currently have a class conflict in that area.) But it seems that they're thinking about offering another section of that class because it's already full and they'll need room for the first years coming in...so...here's hoping. I would have appreciated a more solid answer on that one, but this is a start. I can't say that I like having to treat this year like it could be my last year in choir, but there it is...I've got hope again at any rate.

The end is near

I am pleased to report that I am finally finished all of my papers. I do not need to tell you how this fills me with such an incredible feeling of relief, especially since I managed to accomplish it with relatively few misshaps and computer failures...(although that cursed incident this morning where my A drive failed on me...I do not understand, I probably never will).

I am going home tonight. It's been six weeks and so much has happened since then that it feels like an eternity. As always I return home a different person, having experienced things I never dreamed possible. I never cease to be amazed at God's timing for things. "Why now?" I ask, "What is so special about this time?" The hardest part is adjusting. I'm having a hard enough time trying to reconcile myself to this new person I've become, let alone having to fit that new me into the life I've got back home. Yet I can't wait to see my family again. My kid brother is probably all grown up...I'm sure the gap in our heights has only increased since February. :) It will be odd not living at home with them this summer.

score for not actually having to give the choir a lecture...

*breathing huge sigh of relief right now*

A choir rant

well I'm pleased to report that my computer is more or less fixed. That nasty Golden Casino is no longer plaguing me and Internet Explorer is running fine. Points for friends who know their way around a computer... I've also basically finished paper number two of three...always a good thing. Now for that final chore. If I could only stay motivated long enough to get it done.

In other news, I've been asked to speak to the choir on behalf of some of the members who are feeling rather perturbed at our terrible performance in practice yesterday. Goodness knows I've been feeling a great deal of personal frustration over the overall lack of participation and willingness to put forth effort in the choir. I thought my first year was bad, the attitudes this year are just down-right disrespectful. If you don't want to be in the choir, then drop out. Don't bring the rest of us down with you, especially since for some of us, this choir means something. I would not have come back to Redeemer for a second year if it had not been for the choir, and knowing that there is a good possibility I might not be able to participate in my fourth year because of a class conflict is absolutely devastating. I have no idea what I'm going to say to them all, probably something to do with all of this, and hopefully something that makes sense without too much rambling. I know we can do better, as long as people start working for it. I pray that we all will remember it is God we are praising with our talents, and we should be giving Him our all, not some half-hearted attempt at our all.

Cursed technology

Now don't get me wrong by the title of this post, I'm all for technology...within reason. But when people get it into their heads that it's a good idea to write nasty little programs that infect other people's computers, I start to get a little teed off. Imagine the sheer joy of booting up your computer in the morning to find out that not only does your Internet not work (read that: won't open Explorer), but you've mysteriously gained a program called "Golden Casino" from goodness knows where...!!! A program that, as it would have it, has the amazing capability of opening itself once you boot up your computer...I have no control. (I would like to assure you at this point that I am not one of those fools who opens odd attachments from strangers, nor am I in the habit of downloading...AND when I ran a virus checker after discovering my Internet would not work, it reported that my PC was fine...obviously not...)

Forgive me for venting, and in truth, this has all been a good lesson for me: patience is a virtue I still need to work on. One of these days I just might get it right; today was not that day.

In other more exciting news, I finally finished one of my papers today and in so doing discovered an extreme dislike for writing social work papers. I don't know why. It's my major and quite frankly the classes are interesting, but the papers bore me to death. And having to do citation!! Urk! I mean, I understand the point and all, but I'm getting really tired of having a required amount of sources totalling more than the required number of pages. It is my poor and humble opinion that paper writing is the bain of all students and quite possibly the worst way to try to get someone to learn something. If I'm going to learn about something, let me learn about it, but don't make me spew it back to you in some horrible form or fashion that doesn't truly let me express myself. Don't get me started on how much I dislike the current system of education...I could go for hours.

I probably could go on, but I believe for now I have successfully vented enough annoyance at the world in general to move on with the rest of my day. (In case you're wondering I'm not actually writing this from my own computer because, as earlier stated, my Internet explorer doesn't work...)

His strength, not mine

Once again, when I really should be doing homework, I find myself hard at work procrastinating with this here blog. In truth, homework bores me, and having spent most of this morning trying to motivate myself enough to write a memo for one of my business classes, I'm taking a break. Call it "burn-out prevention" if you will.

Actually, there's something I've been thinking about the past couple of days that I wanted to comment on. Recently I've had a couple of friends tell me how amazed they are with my strength, having seen the way I'm dealing with certain issues in my life on a daily basis. And while I wish with all my heart I could accept the compliment and say, yeah, that's the me, the strong one...I know in my heart I'm not. Rather, it is God who gives me strength, and I should be pointing the glory back to Him. Truth be told most of the time I don't feel very strong at all, and if not for Him, I doubt I would be able to keep going. I myself am amazed as I look back over the past year, wondering how I could possibly have managed to get through all I did, yet I know it was the hand of my Precious Lord that has been guiding me through the valleys to the mountaintops. I owe all I am to Him.

"He is all the strength that I will ever need." ~Mark Schultz

The past couple of days have been rather draining to say the least. I do not enjoy being sick and having to miss both a choir gig and Church in the Box. Yet at the same time I can see God using this as one more lesson in relying on Him for strength. He has become my Stillpoint where I go whenever life's whirlwind becomes too much to bear, and I pray I might come to remain in His peaceful presence all through the day.

Some exciting things have been happening lately: I've found a house for the summer and for next year, and I've got a job for the summer at Connon's Nursery...nothing glamorous, just a regular greenhouse job, but I am so thankful not to be stuck inside at a desk like last year. Not to mention I get to work on a crew again...how I missed being with people while at Union Gas!! God is so faithful to provide.

This is something I wrote a while ago while I had some free time on my hands...I came across it and it made me smile to remember the good old days when I had time to sit and ponder...

Issues of Boredom
The problem with being a student I've discovered, is that although we profess to be inundated with countless hours of homework and useless classtime, truth be told more often than not we find ourselves with entirely too much spare time on our hands. (Frankly, this is due in part to the epidemic of procrastination that seems to breakout every September and miraculously disappear upon completion of exams in April.) Outright laziness aside, it follows that one would strive to occupy themself in some form or fashion so as not to die of complete boredom.

Herein lies the dilemma. As a student plagued by the injustice of inordinately high rates of tuition, I must confess our options for entertainment are limited. Not to mention the fact that civilization is a good thirty minute hike in only one direction, and bus services are sporadic at best. I need not remind you that with temperatures at a chill factor of twenty below zero and pathways covered with snowdrifts past my knees, this spells a recipe for disaster in the form of hypothermia and frostbite.

What to do? What to dooo?

Several thoughts come to mind...

Cow-tipping. A last resort at best, the very mention of this joyous rural past-time conjures delightful images of cows being tipped the wrong way and small people such as myself never being heard from again. Besides which, there seems to be a not-so-surprising lack of cattle in the area...

One could potentially attempt to cure the procrastination epidemic by actually completing school work ahead of time, but then we'd lose the fun of those late night cramming sessions or papers being printed off mere seconds before the beginning of class deadline. And for those of us non-academic types who curse the education system with each breath, the idea is rather less than appealing. After all, there's a life out there waiting to be lived. Why waste time in a stuffy classroom?

There are, of course, your typical every-day diversions such as card games, movies, Star Trek Voyager re-runs, and who could forget the all-important and ever-so-amusing FreeCell, to which I have developed a strange addiction.

Am I a complete moron for finding it all so mundane? Is it wrong to want something different for a change? It's like having an itch, except you can't scratch it...

Meaning in Music

I was doing some reading this afternoon for a paper I'm writing on Berlioz, when I came across this passage in a book talking about meaning in music:

"What we forget is that there is such a thing as meaning and understanding in one step, immediate and without immitation. Take a sudden cry. It bursts from someone near you, whom you know. The cry is an expression, and from the looks of the person and your sense of the situation you usually know whether it is a cry of joy, or of pain. But that is a mere tag. What the cry expresses is not the general subject pain or joy, nor a localized pain or cause of joy. It contains infinitely more than either emotion, general or particular. It expresses the whole being, that person at that moment. Strictly speakng, the cry is unanalyzable and undescribable....

Music--and every other art--is expressive in the same sense as a cry or a gesture. We say to the same effect a "facial expression"--it has no name, but it means. Music is of course far more complex than cries, faces or gestures, but like a brilliant pantomime its consecutive intention is immediately perceived and understood. No need of mentally guessing, translating, converting its passing forms into another realm of abstract or concrete perceptions. The better word for this power is not expression but expressiveness..."

I was reminded of something Jen said in a comment for an earlier entry, just about how hard it is to express music in words and maybe that's the point. This passage I think reiterates that point, and I was struck by how when you try to explain music in words, it tends to take away from the power of it. The point of music is that it is something you hear, and in the hearing of it feel the meaning as it strikes a chord within your very being.

Being Real

As I browse the many Redeemer blogs out there and the various links attached to them, I find myself thinking I need to be posting deeply philosophical posts discussing all these books that I know I should be reading but quite frankly don't have the time. And knowing that I can't possibly come up with anything remotely close to being as interesting as half of what's out there, I end up with this rather depressed, guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach. Maybe I'm not a true blogger, maybe there's no way I could ever consider myself a part of this kinda cool community I see forming here on the Net. Then I tell myself, so what? Who cares what other people think when they read this? It is my blog site, and my place to put what I want to say. So...in an attempt to be real, I've given up trying to think of something appropriately theoretical and decided to do this my way. If you don't like it, deal with it.

I was in night class tonight, and instead of paying attention like I should, I found myself contemplating emotions. (If you'll note that nice little personality test thingy that I took, ISFP's are emotional people...this could explain my hesitancy to engage in philosophical discussion.) And I wondered, is it possible to feel good and crummy at the same time? Then I realized this was a ridiculous question because it was exactly how I was feeling...but then I couldn't figure out, how do you truthfully answer someone who asks how you're doing? I mean, I prefer to give an honest answer to that question when asked...a simple "fine" just will not do. But trying to explain being happy and yet not at the same time is complicated. Somehow I find it hard to believe most people are willing to listen to the details of the inevitably long explanation that I would have.

And I realized the futility and pointlessness of asking everyone you meet, "How's it going?" I know I've had this discussion with people before, and it continues to be something that bothers me. How many people really want to hear the details of how it's going? If I think about how often I ask people so flippantly how they're doing, I realize that most of the time I'm not expecting them to tell me that they're feeling crummy. I can't help wondering what I would do if someone were to break down and completely spill every horrible detail of how badly things were going. I only pray that I would be sympathetic...

From My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers...
"The bedrock of our Christian faith is the unmerited, fathomless marvel of the love of God exhibited on the Cross of Calvary, a love we never can and never shall merit."

I could say more on this, but it would just be me attempting my hand at philosophizing, and since I am merely a humble student of sociology and not of philosophy or anything close to something ressembling deep thinking, I will suffice to say that I like this quote.

The Passion

I saw The Passion of Christ last night.

mind-blowing speechless wonder

At the risk of sounding cliche, there are no words to adequately express the life-changing qualities of this movie. I am in awe of the incredible sacrifice that Christ made for me, and I can not help but feel so completely unworthy of His love. How can we even begin to imagine the depth of God's grace? That He should send His only Son to die such a horrible death for us? Goheen described it so adequately in last week's chapel, that Christ's awful death on the cross should be God's greatest act of glory is utter foolishness. Yet it is God's glory. And we can never even hope to begin to thank Him enough for all He's done. I said to my friend last night, all we have to give Him is our lives, how can we do anything but live every day and do everything we do for His glory and to worship Him?

Some thoughts...

There's something so amazing about taking just a little bit of time, even a half hour, out of your day to come before God and pray. The school had a prayer vigil tonight that I took part in, and it was such an awesome time. More and more I've come to see the incredible power of prayer, and tonight has only reinforced that. I wish that more people could realize how good it is to make this time for God, and how praying for someone is the greatest gift we could ever give. The half hour just flies by...

We're having an Amsterdam reunion over dinner tomorrow. I'm so excited! I miss everyone and Amsterdam so much... It will be fun to reminisce, relive the memories...(read that: get teased about dancing at the Paradisco...good times of course). What I wouldn't give to go back! Call it a laid-back style of living, call it running away from my problems, but life was a lot easier over there and I miss the freedom more than I thought possible.

I was playing piano in a practice room tonight, and I was struck by the incredible power of music. It's amazing how certain chords and harmonies can just strike you to the very core, allowing you to express feelings that you keep so carefully hidden beneath that thin veneer. I was playing to release, and I ended up releasing more than I'd anticipated...one minute I'm mellowing, the next thing I know I'm banging away on a wedding march (my anger music; it's complicated) venting frustration that I'm not entirely sure where came from. There's something about all the time I spend alone on weekends that tends to put me into an entirely way too introspective mood...

So I took this test...I think I could be in trouble.

Introverted (I) 53.66% Extroverted (E) 46.34% Realistic (S) 61.29% Imaginative (N) 38.71% Emotional (F) 63.64% Intellectual (T) 36.36% Easygoing (P) 67.74% Organized (J) 32.26% Your type is: ISFP You are a Specialist, possible professions include - bookkeeper, clerical supervisor, dental assistant, physical therapist, mechanic, radiology technologist, surveyor, chef, forester, geologist, landscaper designer, crisis hotline operator, teacher

Take Free Career Inventory Personality Test.

This is it

I think I've finally decided on what I want this thing to look like. The colours are still a little on the iffy side, but trying to pick the perfect one to fit my mood with one of those awful little color chart schemes they give just isn't quite working for me...and hey! I finally figured out how to change the font of the comments link.

It's finally the weekend. I had not realized just how stressful this week has been until I sat down last night in between dinner and night class and just vegged out for about thirty minutes and I realized I hadn't had time to watch tv guilt-free pretty much all week. I am so thankful God gave us a day of rest.

So now that I find myself with some free time on my hands, (how else would I have time to figure this whole blog thing out?), I can not help but feel completely exhausted from lack of sleep, and think that maybe I should be getting a head start on all the homework I know I have coming due in a couple weeks or engaging myself in some sort of activity to prevent my mind from completely vegetating...at the very least contemplating exactly why it is that I feel this awful need. Yet for some reason my mind is blank...

The joys of fatigue...

I just noticed a quote on my wall that a friend gave to me last week...she had impecable timing with it then, and I realize looking at it now it applies more than ever:

"In repairing a relationship, it's essential to realize that no friendship is perfect, no marriage is perfect, no person is perfect. With the resolve that you are going to make a relationship work, you can develop peace treaties of love and tolerance and harmony to transform a difficult situation into something beautiful."

Learning how to mess around with this template is harder than I'd thought. I'm all about the trial and error method, but seriously...there's got to be an easier way to figure out how to do what I want. If I could only figure out how to change the font of that comments link we'd be all set...

So I'm giving in and starting a blog site. I've discovered that this happens to be an excellent way to procrastinate...(the papers I should be writing right now...they're haunting me)... Not sure quite yet what I'm going to do with this, practice deep thinking I suppose and maybe learn html code while I'm at it. These template options are just dreadful...

I really hate first posts. I feel like I should be providing some sort of introduction to this whole thing when I really just want to get started in on whatever it is people normally do with these things. Oh the messes that need to be sorted out in my pathetically confused mind!

Consider this my introduction...