When gossip hits home...

I am not a person who angers easily. I may get hurt, upset, frustrated, but rarely angry.

At this moment I am so angry I am shaking. Mad is too tame a word to describe what I am feeling. In fact furious is probably closer yet than angry.

The reason for my ire: gossip. I have just heard the most ridiculous lies about someone whom I love...

I now know where they coin the term "blood began to boil". My blood is boiling.

It is incredibly difficult for me to put into words exactly what it is about this situation that pisses me off the most. In the end it all comes down to gossip and hypocrites. The people who passed on these lies are supposed to be Christians... I could kill someone right now! Is this what a Christian community is supposed to be like? This back-stabbing, this ridiculing, this slander, this blatant lack of respect...this lying?!

How can we ever hope to be a witness in the world when within the safety of our own Christian community we can not even trust our fellow believers?!

More fully me

I've continued to feel very introspective over the past week or so. Long commutes and quiet days at home have contributed to this, as well as a renewed interest in probably my favourite author, Madeleine L'Engle. Most people would know her as the writer of A Wrinkle in Time;however, she has also written numerous other books both for young adults and general readers. There's something about her characters that draws me in, helps me to feel, to heal, and to be me more fully me. She has a way of creating within me a sense that still waters really do run deep, and that maturity doesn't always come with age, that sometimes it comes from experiences, and sometimes you're just born with it, this innate depth of character that is who you are. I find peace within her stories. I cannot profess to be particularly widely read, though I have read a good many books in my so far short lifetime, and it strikes me that there is a great difference between secular authors and Christian authors (whether their books are specifically Christian or not). Ms. L'Engle is a Christian, and while her books are not specifically Christian, there is a sense of hope in her writing that I do not usually find in the writing of non-Christian authors.

On a completely unrelated note, I've given Homestead my two weeks notice and am currently completing my second last shift there. To be completely honest I cannot say I have particularly enjoyed working here. My eyes have been opened to many things, and I've learned a great deal here, the main point being that I don't like working single-shifted, nor do I particularly appreciate having spent four-years at university to spend my entire time cooking and cleaning for people. Granted, I knew this is what I'd be doing when I signed on for the job, but I did not anticipate having my patience so tried. I'd like to think I'm a fairly patient person, but man! Anyway, I will not be sad to be done here.

Thoughts

After reading some thought-provoking and inspirational blog posts, I felt the need to express some recent thoughts and feelings of my own. To say that life has gotten less hectic now that school is over would be a complete untruth. In fact, it is quite possible that my life is now twice as crazy as it used to be. I am now balancing three, almost four jobs, none of which is in the same city, as well as trying to plan a wedding and maintain relationships with my fiance, family, and friends. There are many times throughout the day when I question my sanity for trying to do it all at once. Granted, I'm handing in my two weeks notice this weekend for one of those jobs, and two of the others are short-term for the next two months...but it does make for a crazy lifestyle of back and forth driving between Chatham and Hamilton, a commute I am rapidly becoming tired of given the dull stretch of highway that it covers.

To be honest, it isn't my busy lifestyle that has me thinking lately. The stress weighs me down occasionally, but for the most part I've learned that this is a necessary part of my life for the next two months until my wedding is paid for, and following that hopefully things will slow down. No, these are not the thoughts that fill my mind. Rather, I find myself pondering many of the same questions that Dan blogged about (see earlier link), open doors and finding God's will. Last night at work while reading through a file I was suddenly and inexplicable struck by the realization of how much I have let my relationship with God slide over the past year. It made me sad to realize this. I began to long for the peace that I once felt knowing that He is completely in control of my life and that I do not need to worry because He is always with me. I had to wonder what had caused me to neglect this essential part of my life for so long, and I didn't like the answers I came up with.

As I was driving home from work later on, my thoughts were once again on this matter. I turned off the radio to pray, when it hit me. In the silence of my car I understood that my life has been too full of noise, business, distractions. I have not been taking time out of my day to simply be still and quiet in the presence of my Lord. No wonder I can't hear His voice. I'm not taking the time to listen.

I hope that knowing this will prompt me to re-evaluate my priorities. I hope that I will begin to set aside specific lengths of time when I can be still before God, both in prayer and listening for Him. I hope that God will re-kindle the fire in my heart for Him, that His joy may fill my life and spill out into the lives of those around me. I long to be a witness for Him, to feel His peace, to share His love, and above all, to do all I do for His glory and not my own.

I pray God gives me strength to do this.