I read a few blogs this morning that I hadn't checked in a while. It made me want to post again. Maybe the key to me writing more is to read more blogs... I've had bits and pieces of blog posts in my head for ages, but getting them out is always the hard part. So...some ramblings...
I think I forgot that anti-depressants are not a magic happy pill. When I first started on them and felt so much better at first, somehow I think I was a bit lulled into a sense of this was all it was going to take to finally get through this journey of depression. Naive, oh, so naive. And of course, just proof of how there is such a learning curve to all of this. My hope is that I've just been overwhelmed after having all three kids home full time over the summer, and now that school has started up again, my introverted self might actually get a chance to breathe again.
But there's still this constant battle to balance, constantly weighing how I'm doing, and I take those three little pills every morning with my breakfast and wonder if they're really helping enough and if the side effects (which have faded to a certain extent but still show up every now and then) are worth it and consider if I may need to up my dose or do I need to switch to something else and what a long and challenging road this is.
And sometimes, (but not nearly often enough), I ponder grace. How God's grace is and needs to be sufficient for me. And how it is such a part of every day. The little gifts in daily life that He uses to show me His everlasting love, the grace to forgive my children for just being children even when it drives me crazy, and the strength to ask for their grace when I so very often fail as a mother, His grace - forgiving me always and remembering to be thankful for His grace instead of feeling guilty for always needing it again and again for the same things.
Sometimes I wish life was easier. And I know He never promised it would be easy, but that He is always with us and He has overcome. But I always wonder why I find it so hard to get through this business of making it to the end of the day. Which of course is half the lesson, to figure out how to stop asking why, accept it, find a way to rely on God's grace, and move on.
*sigh* oh ramblings. oh brain.
