Thoughts

After reading some thought-provoking and inspirational blog posts, I felt the need to express some recent thoughts and feelings of my own. To say that life has gotten less hectic now that school is over would be a complete untruth. In fact, it is quite possible that my life is now twice as crazy as it used to be. I am now balancing three, almost four jobs, none of which is in the same city, as well as trying to plan a wedding and maintain relationships with my fiance, family, and friends. There are many times throughout the day when I question my sanity for trying to do it all at once. Granted, I'm handing in my two weeks notice this weekend for one of those jobs, and two of the others are short-term for the next two months...but it does make for a crazy lifestyle of back and forth driving between Chatham and Hamilton, a commute I am rapidly becoming tired of given the dull stretch of highway that it covers.

To be honest, it isn't my busy lifestyle that has me thinking lately. The stress weighs me down occasionally, but for the most part I've learned that this is a necessary part of my life for the next two months until my wedding is paid for, and following that hopefully things will slow down. No, these are not the thoughts that fill my mind. Rather, I find myself pondering many of the same questions that Dan blogged about (see earlier link), open doors and finding God's will. Last night at work while reading through a file I was suddenly and inexplicable struck by the realization of how much I have let my relationship with God slide over the past year. It made me sad to realize this. I began to long for the peace that I once felt knowing that He is completely in control of my life and that I do not need to worry because He is always with me. I had to wonder what had caused me to neglect this essential part of my life for so long, and I didn't like the answers I came up with.

As I was driving home from work later on, my thoughts were once again on this matter. I turned off the radio to pray, when it hit me. In the silence of my car I understood that my life has been too full of noise, business, distractions. I have not been taking time out of my day to simply be still and quiet in the presence of my Lord. No wonder I can't hear His voice. I'm not taking the time to listen.

I hope that knowing this will prompt me to re-evaluate my priorities. I hope that I will begin to set aside specific lengths of time when I can be still before God, both in prayer and listening for Him. I hope that God will re-kindle the fire in my heart for Him, that His joy may fill my life and spill out into the lives of those around me. I long to be a witness for Him, to feel His peace, to share His love, and above all, to do all I do for His glory and not my own.

I pray God gives me strength to do this.

Bittersweet Endings

It is hard to believe that I am done. After four long years my time here at Redeemer is come to an end. I can't figure out if I'm sad, ecstatic, relieved, thankful...or maybe all of the above. My last exam was Tuesday night, I handed my mailbox key in on Wednesday. Final act to come is Grad on May 28. To be honest, there are many things about this place I will not miss. The classes, the papers, the exams, the exorbitant price of tuition and textbooks, the leaky roofs, the alternately cold and hot classrooms...my list could go on. What I will miss are the fun times with friends, the choir practices in the squash courts, late night gab sessions with roommates, pizza at any and all times, procrastinating by any means possible, puddle-fights after rainstorms, random hugs in the hallway...again, my list could go on.

They say it's time to meet the real world. I only hope I'm ready. One thing I surely know, it is God that has brought me this far. I pray I may be as richly blessed and strengthened in the years to come.

Peace my friends.

A quote...

"Hope has to do with looking directly at the circumstances we're dealing with, at the challenges we must accept as finite and vulnerable beings...and recognizing the limits of our very interpretations of what we're committing ourselves to and still go on..."

We read this in my social work class the other day. In this day and age it seems to me that hope is a scarce but much-needed commodity. Would that Christians could step up to the plate and share with the world the hope we find in Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour.

"But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions--it is by grace you have been saved." Eph 2:4-5

This is the source of my hope.

Reformed Engaged Encounter

Tim and I just had a wonderful weekend away in Holland, MI at a Reformed Engaged Encounter weekend. For anyone who is engaged or considering marriage, I highly recommend this weekend...(although you might want to find one in Ontario). It was an excellent opportunity for us to get away from wedding plans and work/school to discuss various aspects of our relationship and making marriage work. We had some good times playing Dutch Bingo with other people from Ontario and who'd lived in Ontario before. Some of the Michigan couple got right into the game... All in all the weekend was a great success, and I am so glad that Tim and I had the opportunity to be involved.

Misquoted

I never said that I have scabies. Just so you know. This is a nasty rumour being started about me by my oh-so-maybe-not-so-wonderful roommates, Lisa Bierma and Laura Stewart.

I demand a retraction from both parties.

Life: A shadow and a dream

Do you ever have those mornings where you wake up and for some reason everything feels off? Even though you may have had a decent sleep the night before, you're awake an hour before the alarm is supposed to go off and for some reason you can't get back to sleep because the feeling just nags at you? This happened to me this morning. I don't even know if I could say why, but today I feel a bit like I'm living in a dream. Everything seems fuzzy, as if I'm walking a completely different life than I was yesterday. Maybe I'm having one of those introspective days that pop up every once in a while. Those days that make you take a look at the way your life is going, and you try to understand how you ended up here of all places.

Maybe it's the weather....

I got a job!

Yes, that's right, I got a job. It's at Homestead Christian Care in Woodstock. A bit of a drive I know, but it pays well and it's in my field and I really need the money so beggers can't be choosers right? I start training Friday and I'm very excited.

I need a job

well, the new year has begun and a new semester is underway. I thank the Lord everyday that this is finally my last semester. Don't get me wrong, I love Redeemer...if only it weren't for those pesky classes and all that reading I fully intend to do yet know I'll never get to. I am not a student at heart.

I have also come to the distressing conclusion that I have no money, and therefore must find some sort of part-time work to pay for my tuition and rent for the next four months. If anyone knows of anyplace hiring, let me know. (And yes Stew, I know Pita Pit is hiring...it's on my list of thinking abouts...)

In Memorium

It is with a sad heart that inform you of the tragic death of my van...(and my sister's van). She lived a good life. A long life. Saw the East Coast three times and numerous places in between. Cause of death: transmission failure. We will always remember her fondly.

In Memory of
Our Plymouth Voyager
1993-2004

(...on the bright side, we've already found another vehicle to take her place...)

Of bumps, tears, and second chances...

It is hard to put exactly into words all the many things that I have been experiencing over the past number of weeks. My papers are done, exams rapidly approaching, and the Christmas season is upon us. To say that I feel slightly overwhelmed at how quickly the last semester has gone by would be an understatement, but at the same time I am glad to see it coming to an end.

Of course, the end of semester would not be complete without our annual Christmas concert, in this year's case, not one, but two concerts of Handel's Messiah. I would be remiss if I did not explain something of what this year's concert experience was like. To be honest I found it difficult to feel ready for the concert on Friday night. The evening seemed to come upon us rather before we were ready for it. Since singing the Messiah in high school I've loved the music and was so excited to be singing it again, but for some reason I wasn't in the mood for it yet, and didn't feel like it was coming together. The night of the concert: it went really well....until the end. I still don't even quite know what happened, but one minute we were singing together, and the next we were all over the place. Some say it was the sopranos, others say it wasn't...I don't really know where it started. All I know is that I had this sinking feeling way down in the pit of my stomach, that we'd done so well, and now we were blowing it...on a piece that we'd gone over so many times.

After the performance was finished I couldn't get my legs to stop shaking, and it was all I could do not to burst into tears...which I eventually did anyway, unfortunately not before I left the school. Tears led to a bloody nose, which led to a mad dash for the bathroom and a nasty bump on my head after running into the wall when I took the corner too fast. It was not a happy night.

Saturday was blah. I don't know how to describe it better than that. I knew we had a second chance that evening, but I almost didn't feel like doing it for fear we'd screw up again. It was hard to feel focused. It wasn't until I was sitting there just after the performance had started and I was listening to the orchestra play the opening peace that I began to pray, and I realized that God was in that church with us. What we were doing was truly for His glory. He would give us the strength to do it, to stay focused, and to enjoy ourselves. I never have had a more amazing experience singing with the choir than I did last night. I hope and pray that I never forget it. And who knows? Maybe someday I'll get the chance to sing it again...