Day Three

The lights are on at the construction site behind the house where the men continue to work on the long-awaited and past-deadline rec centre.  There's a haze outside this morning that promises of one very hot March day and hints of summer rather than spring.  The tea kettle rumbles and grumbles behind me, and I miss my coffee.  Vanilla rooibos tea just isn't cutting it for me these mornings.

It's day three of getting up with the kids, and boy, I forgot how hard this is.  It's my own fault for getting out of the habit, and I keep telling myself it would be easier if I had a steaming cup of coffee waiting for me, which I know probably isn't true, but it does give me something to look forward to once these months of pregnancy are over.

And "Click!" goes the kettle.  My kettle doesn't whistle when it's done.  It kind of annoys me.  All I get is a "Click!" as it shuts off and pray that I actually hear it so I get up and pour the water while it's hot instead of having to reboil it when I finally remember that I was waiting for it.

So I'm going to continue on, and you'll get some disjointed blog posts, somewhat like this one, until my mental faculties return to their former non-pregnancy-hormone fogged state, and in a few months, I'll have the benefit of caffeine to assist me in providing added clarity through the fatigue.  I can see a difference in my moods already; not that I can attribute that to my own strength.  Lord, no, but He is faithful to provide grace for each day when we but turn to Him and ask.  Praise Him for His faithfulness!

Back to a new thing?

Well, people, you'll never guess it: I actually got up with the kids this morning instead of sending them downstairs to watch TV while I go back up to sleep.  I know.  It's a miracle.  It sucks, though.  I'm stuck with tea instead of coffee, and it's just not the same.

I've been feeling more and more lately like this pregnancy has turned me into a miserable monster, and I'm getting sick of it.  So in an effort to bring more of God back into my day, I'm going to try to get back into the habit of getting up with the kids and spending time reading all the inspirational and encouraging blogs that I used to back before I got walloped with ridiculous morning sickness.  Thankfully, most to all of my nausea and vomiting has abated, and I'm actually starting to feel a modicum of inspiration to write again, so if I can keep this up, you might even get a few more blog posts out of the deal.

(Wow, look at all those big words!  See, it's working already...)

I have to say, I was highly amused to log in to Blogger this morning and check my stats.  I couldn't believe that I've actually managed to maintain a steady readership, even though my posting has been sporadic and infrequent.  Get this: I've been pinned on Pinterest!!  I know!!  Crazy!!  Apparently, some of the recipes I've posted have caught some attention, how cool is that!

Anyway, that's about all I have to say for now.  I don't want to get too long and lengthy as I have much catching up to do on my blog reading after months of not doing much of it.  I will say this: the kids have been totally confused this morning by my getting up early.  They've gotten used to me going back to bed for about an hour after they get up, and now they're all like, "I guess you couldn't sleep, Mommy."  "What are you doing awake, Mommy?"  "What's going ON?"  Poor things.  I tried to remind Reuben that this is what I used to always do, and I think he gets it.  We'll see if I can get back into making this the habit or not...

Thoughts through the fog

I was sitting at the table this morning, eating my raisin bran and reading from my Christmas present "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp.  It's one of those slow reads that work better when you take in a little bit at a time so you can spend a while turning it over in your brain and taking the words to heart.  Hence the reason I haven't finished it yet, and it's been two months since Christmas.

Today's reading had a line in it that really struck me: "...and I know all our days are struggle and warfare (Job 14:14) and that the spirit-to-spirit combat I endlessly wage with Satan is this ferocious thrash for joy." 

...this ferocious thrash for joy...

These words somehow managed to pierce through the pregnancy-induced fog that seems to surround the thinking part of my brain these days, and I almost couldn't believe how perfectly Ann has described this constant daily battle to see God's glory and grace in our fallen world.  (Except that I know from reading her blog that she always seems to find the right way to put into words the way I feel about life.)

I find it particularly interesting to be reading about finding God's gifts even through the trials of life from Ann, while at the same time, the lesson I just worked on last night for our women's Bible study was talking about what we do when we can't explain what Jesus is doing.  The study we're doing is Beth Moore's "Beloved Disciple", and it focuses on the disciple John.  Last night's lesson looked at Jesus' crucifixion through his eyes, and she finished the chapter by asking if we would stay close to Jesus when He doesn't stop a tragedy, or if we will walk away from Him when it seems as if He is weak and defeated.

In earlier chapters, she talked about how God uses difficulties and assignments in our lives to teach us lessons, and that often, we don't learn all the lessons from those experiences until after we've gone through them and are able to look back on them and reflect.

Finding God's gifts and daily graces through the trials of life.  God teaches us lessons through difficulties.  Staying close to Jesus when things don't seem to make sense.  All timely and essential reminders to me during this time in my life.

When I try to think about this pregnancy rationally, it feels like I'm being unfair to call it a "trial".  It's not as if this is a time of extreme grief or sorrow or mental anguish (although the ridiculous amount of time it's taking me to put together a simple blog post might prove that last one is actually accurate).  But I have to say it, I am not one of these women who just breezes through pregnancy and loves every minute of it.  Those first 14 weeks of debilitating "morning" sickness and all-day nausea were a trial.  I survived that first trimester only to have to face the reality of this steadily growing new life taking up all the space in my body that was previously reserved for my vital organs, which are now all being shoved up into my rib cage and making it difficult to both take a deep breath and eat a large meal in one sitting.

By golly, this counts as a trial for me.

But that's no excuse for me to just sit down and wallow in self-pity, which is why I am grateful for these reminders in Ann's book and in Beth's study.  God's grace is here, in this daily "ferocious thrash for joy".  It is in life's trials that we need to cling to Him even tighter.  Little by little, day by day, He gives me the strength to keep going and persevere.

(And I'm really looking forward to the day when my hormones go back to normal, and I can drink coffee again, and I can put together a blog post in less than an hour...  Yeesh...)

Just another Fall morning

The sky outside my window in the mornings is all black now.

When did that happen?

I knew fall was coming, but how did it get here so fast?  The days are a dichotomy of warm temperatures and leaves falling like rain.  There are long stretches of grey days and unending drizzle followed by long stretches of days with pure sunshine that call for shorts and mornings spent planting bulbs in my garden.

I fear those days of warm sunshine will soon be coming to an end, and we'll be left with days of bright sunshine that does little to combat the cold of winter and snow.

My soul feels a little weighed down lately.  The women's Bible study I'm participating in is focusing on revival; this past week's session talked about how easy it is to be asleep in our walk with God, and how the Christian life is not about doing things, participating in the right rituals, serving in the right way.  Instead, it is about a relationship, and without that deep relationship with Christ, it can feel like we're in a desert.

Don't worry.  I'm not in a desert.  But some days it feels like time passes so quickly, and before I know it, I've forgotten to have that quiet time with Him that I so desperately need, and once again, I find myself begging forgiveness for not drawing near to Him when I know full-well that I can't get through this life without Him.

Sometimes, I think He lets us have those days when nothing goes right just so we can be reminded of how desperately we need Him and His marvelous grace.

Anyway, I'm rambling.  The sky outside my window is becoming a shade of midnight blue, and through the trees that line our back fence, I can see the construction workers arriving to begin work for the day. 

I will begin my work for the day soon, too.  Dishes, laundry, dusting, meals to cook...  May I remember to bring Him along with me as I walk through this day that He alone has made.

It spins its web outside my window

There was a big, fat, ugly spider outside my kitchen window last night.  It disturbed my view while I was doing dishes after supper by dropping down right in front of me.

My first reaction was to recoil with an, "Oh, yuck!"

I'm not generally overly afraid of spiders.  I've had to get used to them as we have an abundance of your typical ceiling variety spiders in our house that the kids always make me kill for them.

But this spider is a lot larger than our house spiders, and it's one of those creepy multi-coloured ones with stripes on its legs and funky designs on its body.

[insert *shudder* here]

But then, after I got over my initial horror, I took a closer look because the spider was doing something a bit unusual, (and when I say unusual, I just mean I'd never seen a spider do this before.)  It turns out it was building a web in the corner of my kitchen window.

It was actually pretty neat to watch.  It would drop down really quickly, and then crawl back up, and then start pulling up the piece of web it had dropped, and then drop down again, and go somewhere different, and then attach a piece of web here, and then go over there and attach another piece of web over there.

It's like it knew what it was doing or something.

It's still rather dark outside this morning, so I can't see outside my window really well.  But I can see enough to tell that the web is finished, and it is full of tiny flies that got caught in it overnight.  I hope the spider is hungry today.

And it just goes to show, even if you think something is ugly, it just might show you something cool, like how to catch your food with sticky pieces of string, (not that I'm about to go out and try it myself -- I'm not into eating flies...)

Two things I like about Fall

So I have come to realize that although I am generally very anti-Fall, there are two things about it that I don't mind.

One, I can have the fireplace on again. 

When we originally started looking for houses, I would never have put a fireplace down as a "must-have".  We found this house, and even though it already had one, it didn't really factor into our decision.  Now that I've been living with one for almost a year, I don't think I could ever go back to not having one.  It's that nice.  And I love that with the onset of cooler evenings and mornings, I can have it on again. 

Don't get me wrong.  I still hate being cold.  But at least I have a fireplace to warm up the house.  :)

The second thing I don't mind about Fall is tea.  Yes, I know, you can drink tea in the summer.  But for some reason, I don't, at least not on any sort of regular basis.  To my mind, it's too hot in the summer to really be able to enjoy a nice hot cup of tea.

However, now that Fall is coming and nights are cooler, I can once again enjoy my cup of tea in the evening before bed.  I'm not a tea snob.  I don't get into arguments about whether bags or loose-leaf is better.  In fact, I have both in my cupboard and dare say there are good and bad things about either option.  At one point this summer, I made some tea using fresh peppermint leaves from my garden.  Let me tell you, that was cool. 

My only reservation regarding teas is that I'm not really into the fruity ones, as in, anything berry-ish.  I will on occasion drink a lemon or pomegranate tea, but that's pretty much my limit.  I do love a good vanilla tea, but have yet to find one at the grocery store where I usually buy my tea.

So there you have it.  I don't totally hate the coming of the cooler seasons.

In the early morning light...

And God is faithful.  He brings me out of the dark places and covers me with the light of His grace.

I am learning to see the gifts He sends me daily, such small things, like bringing a friend into work at the crack of dawn and the glorious drive home -- so quiet -- this chance to watch the sun greet the day, creating long shadows on the road in front of me, warming my face with its blinding light.  Would that I could go through each day blinded in such a way by the great love of my heavenly Father! 

And this chance to praise Him, with the radio blaring loud and my heart pouring out thankfulness to feel such inexplicable joy.  Moments like these should never be taken for granted, and I find myself beginning to understand how some people can be morning people -- not that I see myself joining their ranks any time soon -- but the overwhelming beauty of the early morning begs to be seen and enjoyed.

And certainly, it provides plenty of time and opportunity to think of blog ideas...  :)

"But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
for He has been good to me." Psalm 13:5-6

Two Pet Peeves

There's two things that bug me.  Okay, not just two things.  But two things that I'm going to share with you lucky people today.

First thing that drives me crazy: when I go to the grocery store, and they are completely out of stock of something on my list.  As in, there's not even an alternate brand of said item to purchase.  (Although I am pretty frustrated that my grocery store hasn't had any knock-off brand tomato paste in about a month, but at least I can still get the name brand kind...)  Like on Monday, when I went to buy peanut butter, and there wasn't any left because, of course, it was on sale, and everyone else wanted some, too.  Or like yesterday, when I did my bi-weekly "stock up the house" trip, and I had planned to make shepherd's pie next week, but they were completely out of shepherd's pie seasoning mixes.

So now, I have to do one of three things: A) Make something else and hope I have everything I need.  B) Make shepherd's pie from scratch, as in the seasoning in the meat part, which from experience, doesn't always work (tried making my own sloppy joes and it failed miserably), and again, I don't know if I have everything I need.  Or C) I can go back to the store later in the week and hope they've stocked up.

None of these options really appeals to me.  *sigh* 

The second thing that drives me crazy has to do with my absolutely favorite past-time: reading.  I hate it when a book doesn't have a little blurby on the back telling me a synopsis of what the book is about.  I'm not saying I need pages of spoilers; I just want a little hint of what I'm getting myself into beyond what the title or location in the bookstore can give me.  A book without a synopsis on the back drives me so crazy, I might actually do the unthinkable - flip to the back of the book and read the ending first.

*gasp*

I know.  Sacrilege, right?  So unless the author is someone I already know I enjoy reading, if a book doesn't come with a synopsis, I will do the one other thing that prevents me from committing such travesty, I put it back on the shelf, and I don't read the book.  Someone else can borrow it.  Someone else can buy it.  But I will let it rest, and a book that might be the greatest book in history will go unread by my humble self, just because some publisher decided it wasn't worth it to give readers a little taste of what hides inside those pages.

And yes, this also means that I'm the kind of person who has to read the back of the DVD case before I watch a movie.  That probably says something about me, but I don't feel like analyzing exactly what that might be.  My coffee hasn't kicked in enough yet.

So there you go, my two pet peeves for the day, missing grocery store items and books without synopses. 

P.S. We put grass seed down in our backyard last week, and now we are starting to see green!  Super excited!  I'll post about that some other time when I get some good pictures...

Turning off the autopilot

The drive home from my parents is about two hours, and it follows a stretch of highway not known for being particularly interesting.  I have driven that road countless times in my life, and I can't really say that I've ever felt particularly struck by the beautiful scenery or elegant fields that form the landscape of southwestern Ontario.

Except today.

I hit that cruise control button, and I prepared for the long drive ahead, and it came to me, how many times have I ridden this stretch of highway with my mind also on autopilot?  Today, for the first time I can remember, I found myself looking up at the blue sky and watching as tiny white clouds formed from the morning mist and free-flying hawks soared on the breeze far above the coffee-drinking travelers on the road beneath them.

Today, I took the time to look around at the fields of corn and soy beans, at the random trees that line the fences between those fields, at the occasional stretches of forest with their solid walls of green -- but not just one kind of green mind you, all the shades of green that you can possibly think of are found in the thousands of leaves that make up those trees.

And I realized just how much I love the color green.  I looked around, and my soul drank in the view.  My lungs inhaled the smell of summer as it flowed through the air vents of my van.

You know the smell I mean, the one that you breathe in as you first pull into that campground where you've decided to take a few measly days of break from the fast-pace of life, that smell of campfires, and trees, and grass, and dirt, and lake water, the one you get only glimpses of when you return to the city, like when you're at a park or in your backyard and your neighbour decides to have a fire in his backyard firepit, and then you silently curse him for reminding you of how badly you'd love to be back tucked away in that forest again, spending long days in the sun on the beach and long evenings around the campfire with marshmallows and pie irons and glasses of wine and great conversations with beloved family and friends.

But at the same time, my lungs are grateful for the chance to take in a deep breath of that calming scent, to breath in that gentle reminder of more peaceful locales, and relive for a few brief minutes those moments I find myself waiting all year for.

Oh, I am so not looking forward to Fall.

The Changing Seasons

I find myself with mixed feelings about the coming of Fall this year.  Generally speaking, I hate Fall.  I don't like being cold, and summer is always filled with such great memories of camping and visits to the park and fresh fruits like strawberries.

But for some reason, this year, I am finding something comforting about the changing of the seasons.  The nights are getting colder and longer.  The trees, while still green, are beginning to look like they're thinking about dropping their leaves, and in the case of the maple in our front yard, even starting to let a few go in anticipation of the long months of raking ahead.

Don't get me wrong.  I still hate Fall.  As pretty as all the colors are and as refreshing as the cool nights are after the heat of the summer, Fall means that Winter is coming, and I hate Winter even more than Fall.  Snow is great and all, and I love Christmas, but I'd be much happier if we had about one month of Fall, one month of Winter, and the rest of the year could be divided between Spring and Summer.

(That being said, I don't judge anyone for liking whichever season you choose.  If you love Fall, you go right ahead and do that.  Just don't expect me to love it with you.)

This year at least, I'm finding reassurance in the knowledge that our change-less God is the one controlling our ever-changing seasons.  Not that I didn't know this before.  But for some reason unknown to me, this year, however unwelcome, the coming of Fall is bringing me a sense of comfort to know that whatever crummy things we (I) may face in life, the world hasn't ended.  God is still in control, and the seasons still continue to change.

"Praise be to the name of God forever and ever;
wisdom and power are his.
He changes time and seasons..." Daniel 2:20-21a

Open the fridge

I don't know if it's the ridiculous heat, or feeling extra tired, or maybe both, but I just have not felt this inspiration to post this week.  I've wanted to, but I just haven't had anything to say. 

Until last night.

Given the extreme heat over the last few days, we've had various family and friends come over to visit our air-conditioning, and my sister has actually been staying over in our spare bedroom so she can actually get some sleep as her apartment, alas, does not have A/C.  This, of course, has led to some great evenings of fun and conversations enjoyed over some cool drinks.

Last night, my husband was getting up to grab himself and his friend another drink, and he asked me if I wanted anything.  I couldn't decide what, if anything, I wanted, so I said not to get me anything.  A few minutes later, I got up, went to the fridge, and picked out a drink.

Naturally, conversation ensued around why I couldn't just have told him what I wanted, and he could have gotten it for me, thus sparing me the trip to the refrigerator.  I pointed out that I didn't know what I wanted, so I had to go and see for myself.  He then noted that I knew what the choices were, so why didn't I just decide without looking?

We determined that sometimes, you just need to open the fridge.

And for about 30 seconds, we all felt deep and philosophical about how life is like that when it comes to choices.  Sometimes, you just need to open the fridge and check out your options.  Even though you know what your choices are, there's something about seeing them laid out in front of you that makes it easier to know which one you want.

And either way, when you're trying to beat the heat, sometimes it's just nice to stand in front of the refrigerator with the door open and enjoy the cool air.

(Not to mention, isn't it great how the most random things can lead to a blog post?)

Why I Write

It's morning again.  I sit with my coffee, reading my morning blogs and listening to quiet music and trying to figure out what I can say that sounds half as inspiring as the things they say.

And then I remind myself that I don't have to say what they say or sound like they sound.

Because I'm not them.

This is my blog, my writing, my place to remember the feelings, my place to bring Him glory.

It's still sometimes hard not to envy the following these wonderful blogging women have, seeing the many comments they receive and the many subscribers they have waiting on their every word.  But I remind myself: it's not about glory for me.  Why do I want those things?  I don't need to have many people reading what I say.  What matters is the One.  What matters is that He sees and that He is glorified.

I could write as beautifully as the wind and have thousands upon thousands of readers with hundreds of comments daily, but if my heart isn't focused on the real reason for why I write, it is all for nothing.

I write to use up words.  :)  I write because I spend a lot of time alone or with just my kids, and if I don't write, I will explode.  I write because if I don't, I am not being true to me, and if I am not true to me, I am not true to the One who made me.

And so I will continue to write, and I will remember Who I am writing for, and one day, I hope I can look into His face and hear Him say, "Well done."

So many ideas...

There are so many blog post ideas running through my head right now, I don't even know where to start.

I could write about how my garden is doing and about the slow progress we're making on our yardwork.

I could write several posts about life as a trucker's wife and what that means for me.

I could write about dreams, and how disconcerting it is to dream about people from your high school days who you haven't seen in years, and then how completely disoriented you feel after being woken up by your son, who has no idea these people even exist.

I could write pages upon pages about God's everlasting faithfulness and how the simple fact that I have so many blog posts I want to write is further proof of His faithfulness and the way He carries me through each and every day with my sanity intact.

He is so good.  I'm even finding the time to write up some of my posts in advance instead of on the morning I post them.  (Gasp!  It's happening!)

If you'll allow me to just exude some joy for a few moments...  I love that I have so much to say.  I love that my brain is functioning enough to let me actually put into words the millions of things that I think every day.  I love that people are actually reading what I have to say -- although even if they didn't, I would still say it because I love how therapeutic writing has become for me.

God is awesome.  He truly is.  And while I've definitely gotten better at putting into words all the things that are in my heart, I don't think I could ever really explain just how much He is doing for me and how totally and completely I need Him to get me through each day.

"Praise the Lord.
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
his love endures forever." Psalm 104:1

Thoughts while driving

With Tim gone so much, it's rare that I actually get to be the passenger in the vehicle when I go anywhere.  More often then not, I'm the one driving while dealing with two children in the back seat, and the experience ends up being less than relaxing.

However, this past weekend, my sister Justine and I decided to surprise my dad for Father's Day, so we packed up the kids at 7am into HER car, and I got to sit for four whole blessed hours in a vehicle NOT DRIVING (two hours to my parents', two hours home at the end of the day).  There were still two children in the back that I had to deal with, but when you're not trying to focus on the road at the same time, the experience was significantly more enjoyable.

I actually found myself with some time to ponder while we were on the way home, but it struck me how the way I travel as a passenger has changed so much now that I have kids.  It used to be that I could sit for hours, just looking out the window day-dreaming, or I could sleep for a chunk of time, or I could read for the whole drive.

None of that really happened.  Yes, I still do those things (well, not the sleeping because of the dealing with the children thing), but I'm not doing them for chunks of time anymore; the pattern is a little more disjointed.

How can I explain this better?  Basically, I spent the drive home on Sunday going from one thing to the next, but never focusing on any one thing for a long time.

I'd go from staring out the window day-dreaming to staring out the window writing blog posts in my head.  I'd go from just sitting quietly marveling at all the awesome shades of green God created to chatting with my sister about random things and mental images, and then we'd randomly start singing along with the John Denver CD we had playing -- ah, the good old days.  (And yes, I just admitted that I sing along with John Denver...)  I'd go from feeling melancholy about the passing of time to feeling content and at peace with just being in the moment.

I'd go from enjoying the silence to desperately trying to figure out what book of the 20-some-odd books we had with us my daughter meant when she incessantly yelled, "Cat!" and, "No, no, no, no!" when I'd try to give her the wrong one...

I don't know if it was the constant interruptions from the kids in the back seat, or my brain was just not having a good day with focusing, but it was a weird feeling not to be able to focus on doing any one thing.  I think part of it was just that I wanted to be able to do all of those things, but the two hour drive just wasn't long enough to fit them all in.

I need to be a passenger more often...

Oh, to be normal!

This morning I'm inspired to write what is on my heart, a bit because I'm bored, and none of the blogs I read has anything new to catch up on, and a bit because I'm really need to get an actual post out here.  God has been doing some major work in my heart and my life lately, and I'm going to put myself out there and actually try to articulate some of what is happening.

I've been struggling with depression again over the past few weeks.  I'm starting to feel like my battle with depression is so multi-faceted that I'm only just beginning to discover what it's going to mean for my life to deal with this.  I'm sure that some of it is related to chemistry and biology, and the fact that it seems to run in my family.  But at this particular moment, I feel like God is forcing me to look at my relationship with Him and how that is playing a role in my mental health.

There are so many things related to my faith that I'm having to look at that my mind gets a bit boggled when I try to pin point them all.  How to pray, the way prayer works, trusting God for strength, hearing His voice throughout the day, surrendering to His will in everything, accepting His infinite grace every.single.time I screw up, understanding that I am a sinner, and no matter how hard I try, I will never be perfect.  All these things and many more are lessons that I need to learn.

And slowly, I think I'm starting to learn them.  But it is a struggle.  There are good days and bad days.  Days when I seem to making significant progress, and then, days when I feel like I've taken five steps back.

So, I am "confident of this, that He who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil. 1:6  But gosh, sometimes, it would be nice just to be normal!

New Year thoughts...sort of...

I have a few minutes to myself while the kids are in the bath, so I'm quickly getting this post in.  I had hoped to be on the ball and actually do a first post of the new year thing right on January 1, but of course, that didn't happen. I had actually tried to type something up this morning while they were watching Backyardigans and eating their pre-breakfast snack of crackers and dry cereal, but then it didn't turn out at all the way I wanted, so I'm scrapping that attempt and starting over.

It will come as no surprise to you that I haven't really put together any New Year's resolutions or any kind of list of things I'm hoping to accomplish this year.  I've never really been big on the resolutions thing, mostly just because I'm not good at keeping up with them.  If I'm going to change something about my life, having it be the New Year is not really enough motivation to get me to do it.  There's some things that are in the back of my mind that I'd like to work on, like exercising more, and getting back into the habit of keeping my house clean, and blogging more frequently, but I haven't set any specific goals for any of these things.

I suppose if I did have some set goals, it might help me along in actually doing something about these things I'd like to change.  But realistically, I don't see any drastic changes happening any time soon. 

So anyway, that's my rather pathetic attempt at a first post of the year.  Frankly, I'm just trying to get a post in, so I'm sorry it's not particularly inspired today.  Maybe next time...

Looking back...

I was going over some old posts of mine tonight, looking back over the past few years, seeing how infrequently I posted at times. It does make it easier to read back when there aren't that many posts to read. It's left me in a bit of a pensive mood, and I'm reminded of my blog's description, "In memory of feelings felt..." Tonight I've really done that.

A few months ago, I was seeing a therapist (that's a long blog post for another day), and she once told me that grief is one of those things that you can put on a shelf when you aren't able to deal with it, and now and then, you take it down, and you can look at it again. You can feel the pain of the loss again, you can regret the missed opportunities, maybe cry some of those tears that were leftover, and then, you can be thankful for the happy memories that take the sting out of it all. Every now and then, you'll have moments when life gives you a chance to deal with it a little bit more.

I looked back at one post where I was asking about the whole when does time actually heal the wounds, and how do we know when that is? Well, it's been interesting tonight to look back at the healing process that's happened over the last few months in my life and see where I'm at today compared to then. Gosh, does it ever feel good not to be in that pit anymore!

And the funny thing is, I don't really remember when it was that I started to feel like myself again. It's just been a gradual, slowly over time, bit by bit, little by little, life goes back to normal -- "whatever your normal is".

And this has been WAY more introspective than I intended. Funny how my fingers sometimes go running off on me, and I end up in a place far from where I started. There's a lot of untold stories in all of this, but as I said earlier, that's a long post for another day.

To end off on a completely unrelated and somewhat more update-like note, Tim has been promoted to having a steady run at Northland! It's a run to Iowa, leaving Thursday night, back Sunday or Monday. It's not ideal to be over the weekend, but we'll take it for now, and the consistent income/work schedule will be a nice change. So that's that.

Lessons from little ones

A little thing happened yesterday that stopped to make me think. I'm not even sure what the exact situation was, but Tim was trying to help Reuben with something, and he (Reuben) kept fighting him on it because he didn't understand what Tim was trying to do. So finally, I said to him, "Reuben, stop yelling. Daddy's just trying to help you."

Then it occurred to me, how often do we find ourselves in the same situation with our Heavenly Father? Life brings us into difficult and challenging situations; God pushes us out of our comfort zone and leads us down various paths -- all for our own good -- but we don't understand what He's doing for us, that He's trying to help us. And so we fight back, not realizing that if we would listen to Him, if we would follow His leading and His instructions, that it will be okay in the end because He really does know best.

Just a little thought I had...

(...and for the record, I did remember to sweep my floor last night!)

Inspiration from the Olympics

In reference to Justine's comment on my previous post, yes, I am the one you had the discussion with about the Olympics in reference to people needing something to believe in. I had intended to blog about that at some point, but then I forgot all the profound things I was going to say on the subject. Maybe I'll attempt to cover it now, although I'm sure it won't be as good as I originally intended.

Now, granted, the Olympics have been over for a while now, but it was around the time it ended when there were different discussions happening about how Canadians were really coming through to show their pride in their country etc. etc, that I started having some thoughts about nationalism and patriotism and how all of that fits in to our lives as Christians. I did not come to any firm conclusions on the matter, but one of the things I had commented about to Justine (and maybe to a few other people, I can't remember) was how it really goes to show just how desperately people are looking for something to believe in, and the Olympics gave that to them. I had to wonder what the world would look like if as many people put the passion they felt for the Olympics and being Canadian into a passion for God.

Leading out of that, and this I did not get into in my discussion with Justine, was a massive sense of awe that I experienced after the closing ceremonies. It struck me that the emotions we felt during the Olympics, pride in our Canadian atheletes, joy at watching them win, the awe we felt when watching the opening and closing ceremonies, the sense of solidarity and togetherness we felt as a nation -- think about how much more of that we will experience as Christians when Christ returns and we see God in all His glory; how much more awesome, how much more joy -- my mind was absolutely blown away, and I felt actual fear when I thought about it, fear that when that day comes, I just might not be able to handle all the incredible awesomeness that God is, that my heart just might explode in my chest. I actually prayed to God that He would not let me be too overwhelmed on that day... Is that wierd?

So, in all this, you may be interested to know, dear Reader, that in this past week since writing my last post, I have felt God's presence in my life in a way that I have not felt for a very long time, if ever. It is a rather pleasant change that I hope will stay around for a while...

In contemplation...

Lo and behold, I find myself with a small desire to blog today, so I'm taking advantage of the urge to write something a little more contemplative, seeing as how I just did an update not that long ago. The funny thing is, life has taken so many twists and turns that I hardly know to where I should turn my thoughts, to focus my contemplations.

I could think of Grandma, and how a silly little thing like using milk bags to store my cheese in reminds me of her. And how thinking of her makes me also think of the funny way she used to say, "Yep, yep" in a kind of breathy way, and how she used to call Grandpa "Daddy", and now I do that with Tim.

I could think of Aunt Jean, and remember how I taught her piano for a little while, and how she really wanted to learn some Christmas songs to play to her kids. And I could think about how we never did get to have coffee together sometime after Christmas like we'd talked about... Or I remember how stark and cold the landscape looked the night we drove back to Hamilton after finding out she had died; the way the moon reflected off the snow on the fields echoed the bleakness in my heart.

I could think about how exhausted and drained I feel; tired from lack of sleep (I blame Kaylee...); worn out from experiencing so many emotions, so many changes; lost in this odd feeling of fogginess when I try to think about who I am now and what my life has become. I feel like I need to somehow catch up with myself and where I'm at in the timeline of my life.

I could think about the good things that are happening in my life behind the scenes of all the sadness. How absolutely adorable my kids are...the way Kaylee smiles with her whole body and gets so incredibly excited every time she sees her Daddy; the twinkle in Reuben's eyes when he smiles. How I'm starting to make new connections and friends at our church... How we have been so supported by all of our friends and family with everything that has gone on... How God continues to be faithful to provide for us in so many ways, and how He is always there, even when I am not good at drawing near to Him. You'd think with everything going on I'd be so much better at leaning on Him...I'm not.

*big sigh* That was a lot of contemplating. Kaylee is now fussing to be fed, so that is where this will end. Not sure how much longer it will be till I get back to this much contemplating, but there it is...