In contemplation...

Lo and behold, I find myself with a small desire to blog today, so I'm taking advantage of the urge to write something a little more contemplative, seeing as how I just did an update not that long ago. The funny thing is, life has taken so many twists and turns that I hardly know to where I should turn my thoughts, to focus my contemplations.

I could think of Grandma, and how a silly little thing like using milk bags to store my cheese in reminds me of her. And how thinking of her makes me also think of the funny way she used to say, "Yep, yep" in a kind of breathy way, and how she used to call Grandpa "Daddy", and now I do that with Tim.

I could think of Aunt Jean, and remember how I taught her piano for a little while, and how she really wanted to learn some Christmas songs to play to her kids. And I could think about how we never did get to have coffee together sometime after Christmas like we'd talked about... Or I remember how stark and cold the landscape looked the night we drove back to Hamilton after finding out she had died; the way the moon reflected off the snow on the fields echoed the bleakness in my heart.

I could think about how exhausted and drained I feel; tired from lack of sleep (I blame Kaylee...); worn out from experiencing so many emotions, so many changes; lost in this odd feeling of fogginess when I try to think about who I am now and what my life has become. I feel like I need to somehow catch up with myself and where I'm at in the timeline of my life.

I could think about the good things that are happening in my life behind the scenes of all the sadness. How absolutely adorable my kids are...the way Kaylee smiles with her whole body and gets so incredibly excited every time she sees her Daddy; the twinkle in Reuben's eyes when he smiles. How I'm starting to make new connections and friends at our church... How we have been so supported by all of our friends and family with everything that has gone on... How God continues to be faithful to provide for us in so many ways, and how He is always there, even when I am not good at drawing near to Him. You'd think with everything going on I'd be so much better at leaning on Him...I'm not.

*big sigh* That was a lot of contemplating. Kaylee is now fussing to be fed, so that is where this will end. Not sure how much longer it will be till I get back to this much contemplating, but there it is...