Sunday, February 13, 2011

Oh, to be normal!

This morning I'm inspired to write what is on my heart, a bit because I'm bored, and none of the blogs I read has anything new to catch up on, and a bit because I'm really need to get an actual post out here.  God has been doing some major work in my heart and my life lately, and I'm going to put myself out there and actually try to articulate some of what is happening.

I've been struggling with depression again over the past few weeks.  I'm starting to feel like my battle with depression is so multi-faceted that I'm only just beginning to discover what it's going to mean for my life to deal with this.  I'm sure that some of it is related to chemistry and biology, and the fact that it seems to run in my family.  But at this particular moment, I feel like God is forcing me to look at my relationship with Him and how that is playing a role in my mental health.

There are so many things related to my faith that I'm having to look at that my mind gets a bit boggled when I try to pin point them all.  How to pray, the way prayer works, trusting God for strength, hearing His voice throughout the day, surrendering to His will in everything, accepting His infinite grace every.single.time I screw up, understanding that I am a sinner, and no matter how hard I try, I will never be perfect.  All these things and many more are lessons that I need to learn.

And slowly, I think I'm starting to learn them.  But it is a struggle.  There are good days and bad days.  Days when I seem to making significant progress, and then, days when I feel like I've taken five steps back.

So, I am "confident of this, that He who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil. 1:6  But gosh, sometimes, it would be nice just to be normal!

1 comment:

Sarah said...

It can be so frustrating that depression isn't linear. I'm glad you're working things out in the midst of it. <3

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