To the depths of the sea and back again

I was sitting at work today (Friday) with nothing to do once again, and I realized that this would be the perfect time to compose an update for my blog. Of course I’ll do it in Word as the almighty powers that be have blocked pretty much anything other than medical websites from the internet, and I’ll email myself the document to be posted hopefully at some point when I’m home. This is a brilliant plan. I may have to make this a habit, (easy to do as I am frequently bored at work).

The past couple of days have been filled with ups and downs. My last update came during a particularly down day. It had been my first day back at work after nearly a week off dealing with everything, and suffices to say I did not have a great day. Most of my co-workers were fairly supportive when I explained my absence; however, I received a rather insensitive comment from one of my teammates, and I have to say it made me rather perturbed at her. I find myself curious as to how she could think such a comment might be comforting, or maybe she just doesn’t understand what it is to go through what I have. Either way, I confess to feeling a small amount of bitterness toward this lady that I’m sure at some point I may have to deal with.

I find that to explain my feelings at this point is a conversation riddled with contradictions. At one point I am feeling quite at peace, strangely content with my lot, and dare I say it, happy. Then at another point I am completely disillusioned with life, experiencing great pain in my heart, and feeling sad to the point of wanting nothing more than to spend my day curled up in bed bawling my eyes out. I am able to swing from one end of the spectrum to the next within seconds, and then back again in still more seconds. I am on a roller coaster of emotions, a stormy sea where waves of feelings are continually clashing, carrying me to the depths in one moment and raising me high to the crest in another.

It is a wonder to me how one manages to maintain their sanity in the midst of such turmoil. I cling only to the certain knowledge that beloved family and friends continue to keep both Tim and I in their prayers, and that God must undoubtedly be answering those prayers, as I can determine no other reason for how I can possibly be feeling any such peace at this time.

Tears like rain...

To say that the last few weeks have been a little hectic would be an understatement. In reality our lives have been turned upside-down, and not because of our recent move to a new apartment, but by certain events that have occured to cause my husband and myself tremendous grief.

I found a quote online that seems to describe something of what I'm experiencing:
"I find it difficult to explain what I am going through. Grief, for me, comes in waves. It appears unexpectedly and sweeps through my soul. There are times when I [have] a smile on my face, I may say that I am fine, I may even convince myself that it is true, but just around the corner lurks another wave of sadness."

I find myself torn between thinking that what's happened isn't really a big deal and feeling as if the world is coming to an end.

I can do nothing but cling to the Lord and His strength. The verse I have used for so long is so appropriate once again: "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:17-18

"O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief...Answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." Psalm 143: 1, 7-8

Moving means packing

I've been told it's been way too long since I've updated, and the information from my previous post has gone out of date...which is all true. My good intentions to post more frequently never come to pass.

So as indicated by the title of this post, we are planning to move, and I'm attempting to pack. We got the apartment I talked about in the last update, and we're very excited to be getting the keys tomorrow. We hope to paint before we move in, but we've got two weeks to be out of the place we're in now, so it's going to be tight. I've determined that packing is a pain, especially when you're not sure which stuff you might need before it gets unpacked at the new place. Slowly but surely I'm eating away at it, but I'm having difficulty being motivated. Maybe seeing the place again tomorrow will get me more interested in it.

Otherwise not much else for news. I think I'm coming down with a cold; I've been stuffed up and sneezing all morning...not fun. We'll have to see what happens.

anyway, I'm keeping this short...maybe I'll get back to that packing...

Migrating Butterflies...

Well, I was doing my daily blog check, and I finally clued in that it's been about a month since I've last posted, and maybe I should do something about that. Add that to a really cool experience I had today at work and we have an update.

So I was walking down along the water in Spencer Smith Park in Burlington where I walk every day during my lunch break. And as I was walking I noticed a monarch butterfly flying next to me. I thought, "hey cool, a butterfly", and kept walking. Then I noticed another butterfly going in the same direction, and again I thought, "hey cool, a butterfly". I kept walking some more. I saw another butterfly, and another butterfly, and another butterfly, and suddenly, I realized I couldn't count the butterflies I was seeing any more, because there were dozens and dozens of them all flying in the same direction. It was the coolest thing I have ever seen, and I just felt this inexpressible joy to be walking there this day, with the weather so beautiful, the lake so blue, the sun shining so brightly, and all these butterflies flying around me. I felt God so close in that moment, closer than I have felt Him in a very long time.

The fun part was walking back to work against the flow of butterflies, and ducking frequently as they flew at my head.

In other news, we think we may have found a new apartment to move to. The landlord said he would get back to us sometime this week, and I know for a fact he was calling our references today because my manager checked with me about it at work. It's in a house in downtown Hamilton on Duke Street, right down the road from where Jon recently moved actually. It's a main floor apartment, one bedroom, living room, kitchen, bathroom, backyard with a bbq we get to use, and an unfinished basement we get for storage and maybe a couch if we feel like it. Painting will be required given that the previous tenants had a strange penchant for bright neon green and a lovely shade of lilac. Here's hoping we get that call this week...

Tim is now working full time in the rentals department at Long & McQuade in Burlington and we both like it a lot. I especially like having him at home at night, and I know likes working with sound stuff again.

anyhow, I think I will move on...it may be a while until I post again given that I need to pack my house in the next month. Until then, peace my friends.

Slow changes

Well, I guess it's been over a month now since I last updated...sorry it's been so long. I keep giving myself the excuse that I've been too busy, but to be honest in the end it all comes down to priorities, and I haven't really made an effort to get down to posting.

Some things are slowly starting to change in our life. Tim has a new job now. He just left this afternoon to spend three days in Toronto training. When he's done that he'll be working full time for Long & McQuade in Burlington in their rentals department. This particular change comes with mixed feelings. Excitement that he'll be working with sound equipment again as well as thankfulness that he'll be home at nights. However there is some nervousness over the change, including the fact that he'll be taking a significant cut in pay which should make the next few months rather interesting.

We're making plans to move out of our apartment. We still can't afford a house but we're going to try to find something a little smaller, cheaper, and preferably not in an apartment building. I'm getting really sick of living 16 floors up. Elevators are not my friend. Neither are 16 flights of stairs. I'd love it if we could find something with laundry facilities, but we'll have to see where we end up. I've applied for a job in Milton at a children's hospice up there so who knows where we might end up at this point.

My aunt has started on chemotherapy. She hasn't been feeling the side effects too much yet so praise the Lord for that. Please continue to keep her and her family in your prayers. It's a pretty stressful time for all of them. My parents are planning on going down to West Virginia over the long weekend to visit them, and I think it will be good for my mum to spend some time with her sister.

My younger siblings are heading back to school this week. Justine is off to Iowa again. Won't see her till Christmas. Dave is starting his first year at Calvin...that's an odd feeling. My little brother is all grown up and heading off to college. It seems that it wasn't so long ago that it was me leaving the house for my first year, and now the last of my siblings is off and leaving my parents with an empty house. How time flies!

Last weekend friends of ours got married after a year or so of engagement. It was a nice wedding, and a bunch of us had good times dancing the night away. Man but I couldn't walk for the next three days! Seriously, one morning I got out of bed and nearly fell over it hurt so much to stand.

Anyway, so that's where we're at. Much to report even if it's less to reflect on. There are days I wonder how we manage to keep going with it all. I am cursed with a sense that the "Ratrace" of life is exceedingly pointless. I live with the hope that someday it will be easier... Until that day, I keep on.

Various life things

So some quick updates on some stuff...

My aunt had surgery last week Thursday and came home this week. Emails from them say that the surgery went well and now it's just a wait for her to recover before starting chemo probably sometime in August. Pray that the Lord heals her and that she has a quick recovery from the surgery.

I had an interview this week for yet another position at the CCAC. This job is called the "Health Records Technician" and requires somewhat more brain power than my current job. Granted the description still sounds a little dull, but I look forward to the challenge of something new (yet again) and I'm thinking it might be somewhat more fulfilling to be doing audits then pushing paper. Yay. Feel the enthusiasm.

Also related to work, I've been training/covering a different desk that has some additional tasks added to it. Still a Team Assistant but does more to help the Case Managers and so is also busier. I was there all this week and will be there for the next two while the regular TA is on vacation. I am definitely appreciating the opportunity to be busy, something I don't get at my regular desk. (It's so bad there that one day I timed how much I actually do work and in a seven hour day I put in two and half hours of work...very pathetic.)

My parents had their 25th Anniversary celebration last weekend. Fun times were had by all. They had a bbq in their backyard and lots of friends and family came. My siblings and I had lots of work to do making sure the food was ready and stuff, but it was good and I think Mum and Dad had a good time.

Anyway, I think that puts everything up to date. Really not much exciting happening right now. Not having air conditioning blows when it's hot, but we deal by developing freezie addictions and praying for wind. Today is raining so it's not too bad at all...

Until next time........

Prayers Please

Another one to add to the list that seems to continually grow...

We found out last week that my aunt has colon cancer. She also has some spots on her liver.

I am having a hard time keeping the faith right now, particularly since finding out that it's spreading to her liver. I'm no doctor, but I've been working in the health care system long enough to know that liver mets is never a good thing, especially this early on.

Please pray for healing, and for strength to the family, and for me, that I may trust in God's mighty hand always.

The 23rd Year

So, another birthday has come and gone. 23 years. Wow. I can't say that I had a particularly exciting birthday. It was a Friday and so it was work as usual. Tim was gone on his run from overnight Thursday so I didn't see him until about 6:30-7ish that night. We didn't do anything exciting; went out for wings and drinks, then rented a movie and stayed in for the evening. He'd given me my presents earlier in the week because he has this thing where he can't keep secrets for too long or it drives him mad. I don't mind. All in all it was actually a kind of disappointing weekend. It's not like I was expecting anything, but I keep remembering how in our group of friends, at least everyone else got a cake. I had to bake my own cake to take to work with me. I feel slightly gipped. (I have no idea how to spell that correctly, and please forgive me for the pity party, I think I'm over it now).

Enough of the sob story.

The hot weather has finally hit and along with it has come an increased longing to leave this apartment. We have no air conditioning, and it really blows. Our cat has been continually meowing at the door to the balcony because she thinks it's cooler out there, and sometimes it is, except in the morning when the sun is shining directly on it. Either way, the meowing gets annoying after a while. Luckily we have a couple of ceiling fans, one which happens to be right above our bed, which makes sleeping easier.

We had our post Convention wrap-up/pass next year's budget meeting in Bowmanville this past weekend. Good times were had by all...generally speaking. Apparently these meetings have improved over the past number of years, less fighting and confusion now so I'm told. Anyway, as far as I could tell we got done what we need to, but in my poor and humble opinion the organizational structure that currently exists for running convention etc. is no longer working. But who am I to say?

Work continues on. I have come to the conclusion that I no longer enjoy my work. Sad to say I know, especially since it is actually a good job, but there was a reason I didn't go back to Union Gas for a second summer...that reason is called "filing". I do much more of it in my new position, and I am also a lot less busy. I generally feel like I sit around doing nothing, and more of what I'm supposed to do I don't like doing. I literally had four or five things on my desk yesterday morning that I was putting off doing because I didn't feel like dealing with them. I can't say I ever had that in my old spot, and if I did there would only have been one or two things.

*Sigh* Life goes on, and we put up with meaningless crap jobs until we can move up in the world to something we're a little more qualified for. Forgive my bitter ranting oh cherished readers. Sometimes I just need to vent.

Post-Convention

Another convention is behind us and I am once again faced with the sadness and depression that accompanies the end of much hard work. I look back at this year's convention with mixed feelings. Some things went really well. Some things really did not go well at all. I'm sad that it's over because I enjoyed the people I work with, but I am still so physically and emotionally exhausted that I wonder if it was worth it. In the end I know that it was worth it enough to agree to do it again this year, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that the thought crossed my mind to get pregnant so I wouldn't have to keep doing it. :) Don't worry...no babies yet.

So many thoughts fill my head...

I think of spring, and time passing so quickly.

I think of pain and suffering and feeling joy through it all. And how I can still feel sad when I have everything I could have ever dreamed of.

I think of random things like how pathetic it is that our world has become so obsessed with bottled water to the point that we like a certain brand better than another. It's water! for pity's sake. And then how we waste it so much more than we used to by throwing out so many half-drunk bottles.

I think of how the blessing we receive in church at the beginning and end of the service has come to mean so much to me lately. The peace it brings to hear those words, "The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace." Num.6:24-26.

I think of how so many times I just long to be quiet and rest. Times when my heart cries, and I long to be in the arms of my Saviour, to hear him say, "Welcome home good and faithful servant. Well done." Can there be a better place to find joy and peace?

I think sometimes I should not think so much, but I can't figure out how to stop.

Bright Spring Day

I am told that my update here is long overdue, and that it is. When you're as bad at remembering to email people as I am, it is interesting to find out that people actually do rely on this here blog to keep themselves updated on my life. Who knew?

My last few weeks have been rather busy with work and preparing for the All Ontario Youth Convention coming up on the May long weekend. I won't get myself started on all the issues we're dealing with concerning convention right now. Suffices to say, I don't agree with some decisions that are being made and how the committee is going about making them. As a quasi-member of the Ontario Youth Ministry Team (the "Board"), I can say things like that. When I say quasi-member, I mean that technically my position is part of the Board, but I don't have voting privileges. Such is the life of the Sponsorship/Donations Coordinator. Yes, that is my title, and I have the wonderful job of gathering money and goods to support the convention/youth ministry team. Speaking of which, if anyone would like to help me out in my endeavours, we're looking for a third member of the committee. Let me know...

Convention aside, I am still working my 1:15 to 9:15 shift at the CCAC. Technically I have a day job there, but I don't officially transfer until May 29. Our government is slow, and unions don't help. (Yes, the CCAC is government; health care actually...and yes, I'm part of the nurses union that is there, even though I'm not a nurse, figure that one out.) But the person who will be taking my job has officially started, and she gets to follow me around when her busy training schedule allows her to, and hopefully in four weeks she'll know what she's doing.

I'm posting a picture of my kitten here, for those of you who may not have seen her yet. This is from Christmas, so she's grown a bit...but I think she's still cute.